Young Africans who have a dream. Young Africans who have the courage to chase that dream. Young Africans who have the strengh to take that first step on the journey to making that dream a reality. Young Africans who have the guts to go out there and give it their best shot.
But some of the Young Africans have no talent. So they go, they suck and we laugh at them and send them back home.
The rest who try kko, we bring to a lavish circle stage in the centre of Nairobi, Kenya to compete in the deathmatch of music that has come to be called Tusker Project Fame.
The final round started this weekend, after we had sent back the wack wannabes who had been decieved by those they thought were their friends into thinking that auditioning would not be a waste of their time and pride.
“You should audition. You can totally win. You even look like Brandy.”
Chick looked like Brandy but sounded like Brandy’s goat.
Anyway, here we were in Kenya, the best country in the whole of East Africa, to welcome the contestants.
Things started on a low note with MC Mich being the MC. Mich’s approach to humour these days is not to simply say funny and witty things to you. No, it is more aggressive, more in-your-face, more what they call “wacky” when what they mean by wacky is “obnoxious”.
The only respite is in the fact that he likes to show off the fact that he can speak French, so when he is talking to Rwandan contestants you don’t understand what he’s saying so you are not as annoyed.
We have contestants from Rwanda and South Sudan as well as the more commonly accepted East African Countries of Kenya, Tz and Uganda. We also have Burundians, which was great news for two reasons.
One reason is that it was just heartwarming to see that people from Burundi actually existed. I mean, I had never actually met a Burundian. I had heard of their country and I had seen it on the map but I had never come across any evidence that it was populated. We all assume that Burundi has people in it, but up until Sunday, that was just an assumption.
The second reason was Hotness. A tiny — what in Lunyaburundi is called petite– chick who is gorgeous.
Uganda was represented as usual, by local people. It’s how we be. The first one we saw ran into the house and squealed, “Oooor Am so heppy! Am in safe hends!”
We thought faking an American accent was local #brianmakensi #rabbinkisti #ladybezo but this was the first time we had seen someone fake a South African one.
The other Ugandan was Brian Luzinda.
Brian Luzinda’s salient characteristic was his hairstyle. It looked like Jonah Lomu and Golola Moses had attempted to headbutt each other and then both missed and hit him instead. He said it was called the Snakey B. Yeah. It is probably called What Happens If The Barber Is Watching Beautiful But Unlucky While Cutting Your Hair And Then Forgets To Refuel The Generator.
He sang So Sick by Neyo, not a good choice of song to do badly when there are hundreds of people waiting to tweet snarky comments. Everything from “I’m so sick of this song” to “You so suck at this song” was posted.
He was awful and was sent back to catch a bus.
Some singers were let in automatically. They are now in the Project Fame Academy, which is kind of like the Big Brother house, only with talent and entertainment value instead of drunken dryhumping, and the others had to sing for a chance to join them.
Brian Luzinda was rejected, as was the other ludicrous haircut of the evening, the one from the Tanzanian gentleman who performed in a woman’s excecutive power pantsuit. From the eighties. That he stole from someone half his size.
Murphy Brown’s trousers and double-breasted jacket did not distract us from the hairstyle that would still have looked outlandish if it had been left intact on the hyena it was stolen from.
He went back to Tz to find a Tanzanian who speaks English to explain to him what Judge Ian meant and the rest of us were left to wait for next week, when we expect to see Hotness and Purple Diva do their thing. I have already marked these two as the season’s stars.
But for those of you who think reality TV is about patriotism and nationalism, don’t be discouraged if the Ugandan contestants are local. Remember Nava Grey and Maureen Kabasiita were also kind of villagish when they were in the house. But chicks have skills. That’s what matters.