Monday Massacres: How to answer tough interview questions

By • May 28th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

College is done. The world-wide-world awaits you my friend. There is currently no opening at ULK so I’ll just prepare you for the myriad of interviews you are going to sit through. I first wrote this about two years ago, while at so bits have been polished to make it relevant to Send us mail or write in the comments section down there what you used that landed you the job.

(Interview committee of serious chaps who have never laughed at a joke their entire life)

Interview committee

Crack a joke and we see

It says here that your name is Sleek. Is that your real name?

Well sir, if I may call you that, my folks, bless their souls, were an odd lot…they actually thought it’d make a cool name. And I agreed with them for a large part of my life. Till now that is. El o el.

What are your strengths?

I am creative. At my last job, I found alternative uses for office paper. Instead of throwing it away after writing minutes on it, or after propositioning for office sex on it, I proposed that it be used as napkins in the cafeteria. I am fun. At office parties I’m the one people always remember for doing all the cool stuff. Like giving the boss’s wife a piggyback ride. She kept screaming ‘Put me down this instant!!’ but we all know how women are. No offense lady (slight bow)

Also, I have no prison record. Clean as a whistle. Can you imagine Johnnie wanted to rat on me and send me to the coolers. See we had some stash, and we’d kinda like, you know, sniffed mosta it. Then Johnnie, the dweeb, he gets caught. And then he almost snitches. So I look him straight in his bloodshot eyes and say, “Hommie, you know I ‘ll get that job tomorrow. I got this interview man. I ‘ll get that job and sort you out man. I’ll pay the poppo. But if we both in, then who gon’ pay?” Yes, I negotiated with him. I forgot to add that I am a great negotiator. So yes, he saw it my way and here I am to get the job, as I promised him.     

Why do you want this job?

I owe some very dangerous people money.

Where would you like to be in your career five years from now?

I know that by that time they’ll have opened up the double-o space…I’ll apply to be the Bond007 then. If I’m turned down I’ll become a pirate…but one who showers. Not like Sparrow

Jack Sparrow

Sparrow reacts to water

Are you willing to relocate?  

No man. All my homies live here

What salary are you seeking?

Ah, great question…for a second there I was scared no one would ask. I kept thinking, what kind of schmucks conduct an interview and do not ask that question? Lucky for you, I have a chart here showing the various earnings I am willing to let you pay me.(pulling it out and passing it around)…it shows my starting figures and projected growth for 4 years….the spike in year 2 is usually achieved by blackmail…

Liking this article is what happens to cool people