Notes From An Idle Mind | Sisqo N***a, What?

By • May 23rd, 2012 • Category: WTH

Dear Sisqo,

I heard that you will be coming to Uganda soon and I have to say, I’m really confused. Don’t people visit when they have something to prove? Clinton came to prove that he was not a cigar-totting philanderer and true to his word, didn’t shag any Ugandan while he was here, Angelina Jolie came over and did nothing, but that was before she embarked on her mission to get African children one-way visas… Fall Out Boy…well, even them, they came. So, what are you coming to do exactly?

I know you don't really wanna....

Don’t get me wrong; I liked your songs back in the day. I felt less uncomfortable around thongs after you sang about them. Why, a lady in a taxi {why I felt the need to specify the gender of the wearer is beyond me, but anyway…} would lean over to pay her fare and the moment her string waved and caught my attention, I thought to myself, “that thong, tho-tho-thong”. In hindsight, those were some pretty stupid lyrics. I don’t know that anyone would be inclined to let me have a look at a thong if my request came with a shower of salivary amylase. But I forgive you, if you hadn’t done that we’d probably have a 1 minute song.

Unleash the dragon was something else. You see, at the time I thought a dragon was this fire breathing creature, an idea shaped greatly by Hollywood and I was thinking, this dude with steel-wool on his head is such a bad-ass. I could understand where you were coming from when you even tried to bargain with chaps, telling them you knew they didn’t really want you to unleash the dragon. However, times have changed.

like a virgin...only not really

I have had the misfortune of coming across dragon tales and I must say I was horrified. All this time I thought dragons were mean-as-shit- creatures, yet they really are a bunch of kinky sicko pubescent fornicators. Mr. Sisqo, television has tainted your otherwise good intentions.

Here’s what I suggest: Revise your lyrics.

You need to be relevant again… but more importantly, you need to be relevant to Uganda. Screw dragons {I don’t mean it that way}, what we really understand is Jennifer Musisi. I see that the name is a tad long, but rumour has it that you’ve got talent, surely song writing ought to be a cinch. Jennifer Musisi, in case you were wondering is a fire breathing entity hailing from the A of KCC. Don’t take my word for it, if you can get the Lord Mayor to speak to you in the Queen’s language {Elizabeth not Nagginda} he will tell you that the fear of Jennifer is the beginning of wisdom. Also, if he does in fact construct a fully formed sentence, kindly let us know. The Ugandan taxpayer needs to know that the Mayor has finally started working.

I know the little caption on the screen said Dru Hill, but come on, we really know that you did “How Deep Is Your Love For Me”. Yes, ‘did’. I’m very cagey about suggesting that you sing. Now then, when you get here, you will notice that those lyrics apply to a small portion of the public. And that public is not going to pay to watch you or your queen dancer. I’m assuming that ever since you faded into obscurity you had at least one dancer left who believed in you enough to stay by your side… sort of how Zuena has stuck with Bebe or how blind optimism has stuck by Red Banton.

I think I may have digressed… it’s a word Sis, look it up.

Now, I was saying, what you want to do is compose a remix of How Deep, off the cuff I’m thinking, how deep is your bank balance or pocket, coz, you know, government officials. I’m not saying they will take kindly to it, but shit, birds of a feather flock together, so we can assume that niggz will come over to show you some groupie love.

I’ve hit my word limit homey, so I guess we’ll chat when you get here. Oh, and another thing, don’t expect us to give you loads of money for your efforts. We don’t have money and we aren’t working for it….yeah, while the rest of the world’s doing their darnedest to succeed, we’re just drinking coke.

 

 

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers