Dear Matthias Kiwanuka, star of the American football team New York Giants
How are you and how is America? I am sure it is wonderful. Even though there is Credit Crunch and gangstas shooting n*gg*z.
How is New York? Do you see 50 Cent around around? Please greet him for me. Tell him I downloaded all his albums and that I am his biggest fun.
Don’t forget to explain that in Uganda celebrities don’t have fans, they have funs.
I saw you in the newspapers last week. You were in Sunday Vision. They said that you were one of the highest paid Africans in sports in the whole world with a salary of the equivalent of sh12b. When I read this I had to invoke a saying we have here in your homeland Uganda. The saying goes, “Kale oono kemmukwata ko ta mpona.”
It can be translated by the bible verse “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
That is why I am writing to you. I realize that being stuck in America you will have a problem finding someone who can cook for you etooke properly. I don’t know if American girls can even make katunda. You need somebody who will take care of you properly.
Fortunately I am here. I don’t mind coming to America and marrying your NFL salar— I mean, marrying you. It is the least I can do to support my fellow countrymen. We are even from the same tribe. The only difference is that me I am poor and you are not.
I am a very beautiful woman, by the way. People look at me and they think I am even partially Rwandan, and yet I am from deep in Masaka there. I have a real Ganda bbina. You should see it. It kapapalas very much. I have seen the bubina of people in America. Simanyi Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian what. That chick is kabawo compared to real Ugandan beauty. She is a pan. Me I am a watermelon.
By the way, are you really a Giant? You know what I mean. Are you? Even if you are not it is okay. I can come to New York with some leaves that I got from a doctor who works in the lake in Kalangala. No, not on the islands, in the lake inside. You go under the water and you find him. He can make you a real “giant”!
Anyway, Kiwanuka, you just say when you are ready and I come and we get married. For God and My Country