Adventures of The New Chick

By • May 15th, 2012 • Category: Featured Post, WTH




Hellen: Evil. Boss. 

Okay, it’s the new girl. She’s a pain in the ass. I know I have only just met her and I can’t say I know her, but a few minutes is usually all it takes to recognise that a person is going to be excruciating your bum. I am rarely wrong about this.

Barbara disagrees, but then again, She is Barbara. Barbara, according to the dictionary, is a needy, whiny, clingy damp hanky who goes, “oooh nunu” when she sees piglets on the back of a truck, and fails to notice that a: they are on the way to an abbatoir and b: we are on the way to Yakobos.

The new chick found us minding our own business at Barbara’s desk and brought herself. Kale she is sooooo new. Like a fresher in the office. Like an S.1.

“Hello Barbara, hello Hellen,” she smiled at us like the champion of toothbrushing in her village. She had even learned our names.

Then she stood there, waiting for us to greet her back.

I was haharing on the spot in a way I had never hahad a person before in my life. I mean this girl just walking up and greeting us and assuming herself into our space and not even giving us the option to reject her? How rude! At the very least a person must always have the option to reject you. It’s a human right.

Barbara smiled back, mbu, “Hi!”

I said “And you are?”

Without flinching she beams back about how she is whatever her name is that I currently refuse to acknowledge and how she is the new girl and how she hopes this place is awesome and she has this squeak in her voice, this squeak that suggests there is something rodent in her genes.

So basically, I didn’t like the new chick. Fuck her.


Two black heifers




Miranda. New. Entry Level

Kawa. So I get to work nice and early like a good girl. Eddie leaves the house at six-thirty, so it’s eaither Harrier at six thirty or bodaboda at eight.

I still don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in this office, and this makes the place quite dull. The wise thing would be to make friends. Right?
So I go up to these two. The tall one is Barbara and the one with the fat ankles is Hellen. Barbara is in HR. Hellen does some manager stuff.
All I did was introduce myself I swear. I said,

Me: “Hi Barbara, Hi Hellen.”

Barbara: “Hello.”

Hellen (Withering evil heifer-look with eyes like real cow eyes narrowing and looking me up and down as if I’m something a stray cat left on her doorstep) “And you are?”

Me: (Trying to ignore bitchy look) “Miranda. I’m new here.”

Barbara: “That’s nice. Welcome.”

Hellen: “Miranda?” (She says it as if she is saying  “red mucus”)

Barbara: “I have been seeing you around, by the way” (Which is sweet, because she’s lying. This is my first day)

Hellen: “What are you supposed to be doing here?” (As if I the company called for applications and held interviews and gave me a contract just so I could come here and waste her time)

Me: (Still smiling, not that it’s easy) “Oh, basically I’m going to be assisting Dora on her new project with ACFAN.”

Barbara: “Whoa! You are in for a loooot of work. She is a slavedriver.

Hellen: (Seriously, what is with this chick?) “You are a secretary?”


As in a cow

1:20pm. Forth Floor. Pretty much deserted. Peeps have gone for lunch oba. Miranda still in situ. Hissing sound from behind a door.

Miranda: What?

Barbara: (It was her hissing) Gwe, “What” is the thing people say if they want to waste time while opportunities pass them by. Quit asking questions and get in here.

(“Here” is a cubicle near the corner. MIRANDA creeps over. They are soon staring at a computer screen)

Barbara: Are you religious?

Miranda: I don’t know. I guess. I once went to Mavuno church. It was coo…

Barbara: Genesis 14:20 And praise be to God Most High, who delivered your enemies into your hand. . . Voila.


Miranda: What?

Barbara: Please stop saying that.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Hellen Ninsiima. 228 friends. 4 notifications. What’s on your mind?

Miranda: Seriously?

Barbara: Seriously is just as bad as “what”.

Miranda: But I thought she was, like, your friend.

Barbara: She is. Doesn’t mean she isn’t an rank and evil cow who deserves to be fucked with. I don’t even like her that much. So are you going to do this or not?

Miranda: (Thinks, then types)  “Just remembered all the great times in uni. teabagging the guys in architecture especially. You guys had the cleanest nuts!




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