I guess you’ve all heard by now that the Bobi-Bebe show was perpetrated by the government to curb inflation by taking 15,000 shillings from as many people without proper homes as they could?
The instructions to the two feuding artistes were simple. Go and perform but make it look like you’re talented. Bebe was Cool about it but Bobi Whined about it being such an unfairly hard task yada yada blah blah. So the instructions were changed.
They were told to go and do what they were good at and that’s how they decided to go and fight. People were asked to pay money for a golden chance to stroke the egos of two award-winning worldwide platinum-selling artistes who were just too meek to accept the recognition.
They gave it the fancy title “Battle of Champions”. We made several calls here at ULK headquarters but no one was able to tell us what the word “champions” was doing in the title. We reported to police and they said they’d look into the matter.
When the show started, we realized the two had interpreted the battle differently. Bebe thought it was about minding your own business and the other one also stays the other side and minds his own business and the crowd decides who ignores the other better.
He was sent a comprehensive menu of insults from the other side but he refused to make an order. He just kept performing song after song until the police decided he was being very cruel to ignore his friend’s creative insults.
Bobi, however, thought the show was about abusing each other and using songs as interludes.
He tried Bebe’s style of doing song after song but they ran out before his crowd could even complete their first beer. He kept looking around the stage like he was trying to decide whether he had forgotten the songs on top of the fridge or in his jacket pocket at home.
He said something about Bebe’s family and Bebe sang to the crowd in vengeance. Then he said something else about Bebe’s health and Bebe intensified his singing rage. Then he added something he had forgotten about Bebe’s fakeness and Bebe invited Bobi’s ex-friend, Buchaman to share the stage and shield him from the insults.
Bobi’s brother Eddie Yawe also came in to preach peace and love and all the boring things no one had come to listen to. Then Pastor Wilson Bugembe also…what the hell was this dude doing here? It was past his bedtime.
Bebe started raising funds for a certain charity and in local artiste speak, that was like cracking several Yo Mama jokes. Not funny. We came to fight, you person who has sex with mothers, not fund raise! That won Bebe another round of insults on the house.
At some point, Bebe challenged Bobi to a live band performance but Bobi preferred to stick to using condoms.
Bobi’s fury was so dangerously high that he started assuring the crowd that him and Bebe were actually good friends, a subtle attempt at striking Bebe’s Achilles’ heel.
Bobi was the lion going after what the crowd had paid for and expected while Bebe was the chicken appealing to their hearts.
Bebe: Like me please. I don’t even fight or kick. I’m a good man, you see. I give back to the people and I stand for peace. Nelson Mandela.
Bobi: Don’t listen to that fool. You wanted a battle? Cool. You get what you paid for nigga, I rule. Big is me, king of the moon. Napoleon.
Police stopped the show at about 3am and the chicken ran off stage after winning most of the crowd’s favour. According to him, that made him champion.
The lion, however, stayed on probably coz the wife had brought the jacket that had the rest of his songs. Boob on no boob, Bobi was determined to go on with the show because “that’s what the crowd paid for”. And that, according to Bobi, is what made him champion.
The show just turned out to be a charity drive meant to raise funds for Africans with a singing disability.
And now the story as told through the eyes of Samson Baranga’s camera.