Sexual Terrorism: The Ingrid Turinawe Boob Court Session

By • Apr 23rd, 2012 • Category: In The News

The curious case of The State Vs Breasts

Judge: Take your right hand off the bailiff’s boob and raise it. Do you swear to tell the truth, the boob truth and nothing but…you know what? You grabbed the woman’s boob without any foreplay so let’s also just get straight to the point.

Officer: Okay.

PROSECUTION

Prosecutor: Why did you fondle Ingrid Tulyawhatever’s breast?

Officer: I was pressing charges, sir.

Prosecutor: Were the charges on her chest?

Officer: No sir. But I felt charged after touching.

Prosecutor: Objection, your honour! The defendant is trying to crack jokes in your court.

Officer: I wasn’t cr…

Judge: Sustained. You’re a police officer. You’re paid to stop people from walking, not to be funny. You understand?

Officer: Okay.

Judge: Continue.

Prosecutor: What charges were you pressing?

Officer: The first charge was for her boob unlawfully grabbing my hand and the…

Prosecutor: The first charge? There was a second charge? Does it mean you were going to grab her second boob also?

Officer: It was going to grab my hand, yes. The second charge, which I didn’t press by the way, was supposed to be for walking to work.

Prosecutor: But you grabbed her…

Officer: Pressed her charge…

Prosecutor: But you pressed her charge from the car. Don’t you watch NTV? She wasn’t walking.

Officer: She was walking from inside the car.

Prosecutor: Couldn’t you press charges on other parts of the body?

Officer: No, that would be going too far. I wanted to keep it professional.

Prosecutor: I rest my case!

DEFENCE

Lawyer: Your honour, I present exhibit A…

Judge: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!

Lawyer: I’m presenting these breasts as evidence.

Judge: Tell those women to put their clothes back on this instant! Are you stupid?

Lawyer: No sir. I’m sorry. I’ll lead them out immediately.

Judge: No, take them to my chambers. I’ll put the evidence into consideration later in the night. You can go on.

Lawyer: Thank you sir. Now my client, did you see your picture on the front page of today’s Monitor newspaper?

Officer: Yes.

Lawyer: Can you readily identify the face of the man grabbing the FDC boob?

Officer: It was me.

Lawyer: But you can’t see your face.

Officer: No but…

Lawyer: So it could have been Besigye trying to have opposition sex with Miss Ingrid.

Officer: Er…I…I don’t…

Prosecutor: Opposition, your honour!

Judge: Objection.

Prosecutor: Objection, your honour!

Judge: What?

Prosecutor: This man is leading the witness to say wrong things.

Lawyer: Your honour, I’m trying to defend my client by lying to you that he wasn’t there when he touched the breast.

Judge: Objection overruled. You may proceed.

Lawyer: Thank you sir. You rule! Client, where were you when NTV played that video of you pressing Ingrid’s charges?

Officer: I was at home watching the news.

Lawyer: So you were not at the breast scene?

Officer: No.

Lawyer: I rest my case, your honour.

Judge: Does the jury have a verdict?

Jury: Yes sir.

Judge: It’s what?

Jury: Opposition breasts are not allowed.

Judge: Good. Court adjourned.

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