Monday Massacres: Kenya goes down on Uganda…and then some

By • Apr 23rd, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

On Saturday, we took Kenya to school in Rugby. We beat them 19-5 in the first leg of the Elgon Cup. I managed to get a hold of Kamau to tell me how he felt about the shafting.

“…I had always wanted to find an outlet for all my aggression so daddy gave me a ball and asked me to run up and down Ngong road…but then that eventually got boring so daddy asked me to run to Kisumu and back. I did. And then that got boring too. But I still had all this aggression. So he then gave me this lotion called…”

ULK: Umm, Kamau, fast-forward to the part where Ug asks you to touch your toes on Saturday…

Kamau: Oh yes, (hiccup) that…so we got herrre and we found that you people arrre allowed to take pombe before 5…sisi tuli wakilisha! We couldn’t believe it (belch)…Njoroge couldn’t believe it. He kept murmuring, almost incoherently “It isn’t true…it isn’t true…it…”


Sleek, say swear!!

Then the bus stopped and (belly scratch with pinky) there was beer everrrywhere…and sachets. Tuli Collapse!

(Picks bottle from man standing nearby and breaks it to illustrate the point)

We needed to drink for all our friends back home who couldn’t do it…we were getting alcohol-drinking requests off the hook…

Ndugu, drink 3 sachets of Chang’aa for me…”

ULK: Could you tell us about your performance in the game?

(Gets plastic chair and rips one leg off)

(Hiccup) The game was nice…didn’t you see us win?

ULK: Kamau, you didn’t win…

(Team-mate comes over and they start rapping very loudly. They go off to fight)

That wasn’t too helpful. The game was intense though; Kenya had more possession but the players seemed lost…probably counting down to 5 so they could catch a pint. Uganda was a composed side having taken the lead from a try from a maul.

The winner came in the ‘dying minutes’ of the second half from our winger; the young man, Justin Kimono, picked a loose ball and did a speedy Gonzalez on the slow Kenyan niggz. The second leg is next weekend in Kenya…we usually drop the soap when we play these guys over there but if they are as sloppy there as they were here, they’ll bite dust.

Rugby 101

A try is a goal

A maul is when many guys hug and push at the same time. A pushy group hug


A winger is the guy who plays near the sideline

Dying minutes’ is stuff said by that friend of yours watching the game and saying everything the person on pitch should have done. “He should have kicked the ball like this!!!”

Liking this article is what happens to cool people