Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!
Tonight hundreds of thousands, or perhaps just thousands, or maybe just hundreds or maybe just a dozen Americans will take to the streets of their American cities to plaster 15 milllion dollars worth of merchandise all over the walls in response to the call made by Invisible Children Wanker and Demagogue Jason Russel, who assured them through his hit video that the T-shirts will kill Kony. Good luck American T-shirt-wearers!
In flying news, North Korea succeeded in failing to launch a rocket that was supposed to fly high up in the sky to outside planets. North Korea says the aim of the launch was to put a satellite into orbit, the chewing gum manufactured by the Wrigley Company, but the chewing gum was too far for the rocket. “Next time we shall try launching one into éclair,” said a random North Korean man who was unqualified to comment on the matter.
In defecating news, it was reported that three million Ugandans lack latrines, a development that’s fast improving community relations. “Like for me me you see me here?” asserted a man we totally just bumped into on the streets. “You find that now I get together with my friends more often to hangout, converse, have drinks together…and then I use their toilets.”
In bored news, Uganda’s Vice President Edward Boredom Ssekandi is looking for something to keep him busy because his job is boring.
Sitting on his office floor eating groundnuts and simsim while talking to us, the VP said he was contemplating becoming a vampire like the Edward in the Twilight movies but didn’t have a worthy nemesis yet. “Unless former Deputy Speaker of Parliament Jacob Oulanya accepts my request of becoming the one who’s a werewolf like that Jacob of Twilight. And then oba who will be Bella? Can Erias Lukwago work?”
In tired news, MPs have retabled the bill on term limits. They are certain that this time it will work because hundreds of thousands of all of only 56 MPs are in support of the bill.
In attacking news, Sudan wants to attack South Sudan and involve LRA in the mix. Apparently, Kony has won so much fame from his best-selling mini-series and Sudan now wants to turn it into a blockbuster movie. “We’ve got all the big guns on this project,” said that talkative black guy who heads Sudan.
In criminal news, KCCA head Jenny “Boss Lady” Mu$i$i, who is paid a massive thirty million shillings a month in case you still don’t know why we spell her name with dollar signs, succumbed to the city’s crime rate this week when a briefcase of hers was stolen. That is to say, they showed her kampala.
Mu$i$i responded by hiring to specialists to retrieve the case. If you meet them, don’t say what.
In romantic news, President of Uganda Yoweri Museveni revealed on a CNN interview with doughy anchor Christiane Amanpour this week that he doesn’t know that Ugandans make out in public.
The president said as far as he knew, Ugandans rub-a-dub and bend over every weekend, but never snog.
And finally, in no news, something didn’t happen somewhere. Nobody, who preferred anonymity, told ULK that this kind of thing has never happened before and probably never will because it’s actually not happening. “I’m not even saying anything right now,” he added.
Those are the newses for this week…go and do weekend things.