In an interview with the CNN last week, the head of state announced that he is going to step down from power in 2016. Orgasms were subsequently experienced locally and in other parts of the world like Boston. Such a potent a message to deliver to your people, Sir. He added that since he could no longer get it UP, he was stepping DOWN. No political pandering you people, he really meant it. True story. But we are people hell-bent on bringing you, dear reader, hardcore facts. So we sent our future correspondent, Ursula-Beyonce Nalumansi, to bring us the low-down. Here’s what else is going to happen in 2016;
Four years after a video about how he should die in 2012 went viral, Kony will actually die in 2016. He’ll be hit in the penistocular, a delicate part of the left eye, by fast-moving ejaculate sent all the way from America by a then frail and dehydrated Jason Russell.
At the time of stepping down, the head of state will have a fro grown to be in character when delivering the handover speech titled ‘Because I am high’
He’ll include the fact that the power he meant he was stepping down from was that of Mayor of Entebbe on Foursquare.
Drake, the Canadian, while dancing at the super bowl with Jay-Z, will take off his mask and we’ll realize it was Celine Dione, another Canadian, all this time. She’d wanted to keeping repping for Canada but had to find a way to re-invent herself.