Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!
In defiant news, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe refused to die despite continued pressure from opposition groups. The Besigye in the A4C of Zimbabwe described this development as a “deliberate move to derail the country’s dying image.”
In pregnancy news, fallen heroin and marijuana vendor Bad Black failed to appear in court after closed-door discussions with her unborn baby and blahblahblah yada myamya gagaga gugugu blahdiblah because no one cares about her now that she’s broke and back to her original Nansikombi look.
In eating news, revolutionary Ugandan president Museveni M7 Sevo has appointed Justice Mulyagonja as the new IGG. M7 says he was excited that, for the first time, someone with massive love for a roadside delicacy was in charge of prosecuting corrupt government officials who refused to eat gonja.
In sexual news, award-winning defiler Emin Baro was disowned by the Turkey community. The ambassador of Turkeys in Uganda publicly declared that the defiler has never been a Turkey. “That man is a clone of the Pig and Chicken nations,” he said. “He has never been a Turkey at any point in his life. Turkeys don’t eat their young ones.”
In growing news, the Kabaka of Buganda, King Ron has added another year to his age. The 57th year was imported this morning from an unconfirmed source in outside countries and presented to the Kabaka, tax-free, as a birthday present.
In showbiz news, The only one among all these annoying Ugandan socialites who has attempted to be relevant by at least getting a job in entertainment failed to do it well this week, proving that they really are all useless.
Meanwhile the organisers of the East African Carnival at Kiwatule Recreation Centre which took place on Easter Monday have apologised for the inconveniences caused by their sound system, which was so loud that people as far away as Naalya complained about the noise.
Bebe Cool, the lead act at the concert issued a statement saying, “I am sorry.”
This was followed by another statement saying, “I am sorry that I don’t give a damn. Next time when you see my posters up, get money and book a hotel, cos I have failed to give a damn about you and your sleep!”
And finally, in business news, traders at Nakasero and Owino markets were up in arms over the takeover of their markets by KCCA and Jeniffer Musisi, aka THE REAL Boss Lady. Bayaye from the markets who were acting as spokespeople issued a statement to KCCA saying: “Ffa ku mudaala gwo.”
At least that is what we THINK they said.