Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!
In joining news, Uganda joined the rest of the world in preparations to celebrate the annual Feast of Ishtar, also known as Ashtaroth, the pagan god of love and sex whose temple was served by troops of holy prostitutes. Fortunately Jesus died and rose again to save you all from sin, so you may not have to pay for this.
In banning news, the government has banned all activities for change from taking place in Uganda. Ugandans are urged to keep the same drawers on for the rest of their lives.
A4C leader Kizza “Tommy Two-face” Besigye held a rally at Kololo parade grounds yesterday in spite of the banning of his group, saying he could not change his plans, as change had been banned. The rally was as well-attended as a Mega Dee concert.
In entertainment news, the long-awaited sequel to the blockbuster hit Kony 2012 starring Jason Russell, was not premiered on the date announced. The world still waits for the launch of Stop Kony II: Stop Harder.
However, Ugandans can get it from Eddiesoft here in town. We watched it yesterday at ULK headquarters and (spoiler alert) Rambo dies.
In crack news, police launched a crackdown on boda bodas as part of KCCA’s latest initiative to clean up the city by arresting members of those professions which are notorious for not bathing.
In sexual news, Uganda successfully hosted the International Pornography Union (IPU) conference at Hotel Africana. The IPU delegates spent the week seated in moving buses escorted by weewooweewoo police cars to look at and determine the quality of service Ugandan prostitutes could offer the world. Some MPs from all over the world were seen in those buses.
Meanwhile, famous Judith Heard fighter, Zari announced the launch of her own reality TV show to run on UBC every time they have nothing else to run. “I want to make my own reality comedy show,” we assumed Zari said. “People look at me and laugh and now I want to make money from it,” we assumed she added.
In kinege news, a Nigerian pastor, WeirdConsonants Joshua sold more prayers and increased the worth of religion on the holiness stock market after predicting the death of an African President, days before the 78-year-old President of Malawi died of an obvious heart attack. His prayers are now ranked among the highest priced in the world after beating Walmart and Apple in combined product sales.
And in other news, there’s no other news.
Leading parody webzine Urban Legend Kampala published a news wrap up on Friday, despite most punters not being on the internet due to Friday being a public holiday. When contacted, spokesperson for the zine said, “And you do what.”