Come dear reader of this website, let me tell you a wondrous tale such as your ears have never heard and your ocular orbiting seeing mechanisms (or eyes if you prefer to be vulgar) have not beheld. Gaze wide as I regale you with this anecdote, be slackened of jaw and droollius of lip, for even I can scarce explain this great and wondrous vision.
Last night, an angel came to me in a dream. There I was and suddenly this angel descended in a flurry of feathers and singed Zed sachets.
“Greetings!” said the angel.
“Ah Ah! Happiness is killing me, “I shouted. Who are you?”
“My! What red eyes you have!” said the angel in some shock.
“All the better to see you with. What are you doing in my room if you aren’t going to clean it?”
“I am taking you somewhere.” The angel said angelically. “Watch carefully for you must tell this story to the world.”
Then the Spirit of the Lord did take me by the paw and didst lead me and show me great visions and wonders. Perhaps you would like to know of these great things? A’right then, here we go.
First the angel took me to a strip club.
Just kidding, don’t flay me.
First he took me to a courtyard. It was an ordinary courtyard, though there was an excess of white chaps wearing knee length dresses, which I found kind of peculiar but to each their own. In the centre of the courtyard was some guy in a loin cloth and sandals being given kiboks. Meanwhile I have never seen kiboks like that. It is possible that they wore out an entire bamboo forest on home boy’s back.
As I was starting off to find a popcorn stand or a rolex. I beheld the angel crying. He told me, that the gentleman on the receiving end of the biggest whooping I had seen in my whole life was one Jesus Christ.
“I know Jesus Christ” I said with a nod, “we are friends on Facebook. “
He then told me great stories of this guy’s powers. How he had turned water into wine, raised the dead etc.
“Eh!” I said in amyazement, “as if Fringe!”
“Fringe is chickenfeed.” The angel said with some pride. “Come let us go.”
Then the angel took me to a hilltop. On the way there I asked the angel, what had Jesus done to deserve a beating like that?
“He was a good man,” the angel told me. “Not just good but perfect,” a perfect man who was destined to rule the world and the heavens and was not afraid to say it. Evil and cowardly men couldn’t stand it so they accused him falsely and had him beaten.
“Haters gon’ hate.” I replied sagely, it all made sense now.
On the hilltop I beheld Jesus being roughly nailed to two planks of wood. I wasn’t going to stand for that shit.
“This is an outrage!!” I shouted like anybody gave a damn. “This violates this man’s fundamental human right to not be nailed fwaaa anyhow. Where is the dignity! Where is the…”
“No one can hear you” the angel whispered. “Jesus is going to die and there is nothing you can do.”
“I don’t believe you!” I argued, adamant.
“Maybe I am not saying it convincingly.” He replied and fetched this dude.
When it was said like that I had to believe it. The news got me so messed up, so depressed, angry and confused. I imagined what the world could have been if they had left Jesus alone to rule the world in justice and peace. I wanted to die.
But then the angel told me an unbelievable truth. Jesus was going to resurrect on the third day. (8th April to be exact) and would ascend to heaven where he would sit until the end of the world, when he would come and take his place as the ruler of heaven and earth.
The angel also told me that if I behaved myself, didn’t steal, cheat, break the law, kill, embezzle public funds etc. I would be amongst the good guys at the end and go to heaven too.
“Always remember,” the angel told me before he departed, “that good always wins and evil never triumphs, even if it might seem that way. Righteous people might face humiliation, ridicule, mistreatment and even go down to the depths of hell, but sooner or later, they will rise up in glory.”
And I believed him.
Have a Happy Easter and a preposterous New Year!!!