Legends Erique and Ernest bring you a legendary sum-up of what’s happened this week. Roll dem ting!
In writing news, Russian leader Vladmir Putin wrote to President Museveni, a move that opposition parties called irresponsible. “The country is facing serious political issues and the man is just busy writing to his pen pals?” said an angry opposition.
And in sexual news, a 53-year-old Turkey misplaced his manners in Masaka and went looking for them inside little girls’ things. He unconstitutionally searched over 50 girls’ private premises and bragged about it on Facebook. And then when they caught him, he was given light punishment nti because he admitted to the crime.
Lawyer: Your Honour, aga walayi this man is guilty!
Defence: Yes, he is guilty.
Prosecution: Objection! He’s not supposed to say that. That’s my part.
Judge: Overruled. He just said he agrees with you.
Prosecution: But he’s not supposed to. Your Honour, are you going to let this heartless man get away with this sincerely?
Then the general public got into its periods and threw tantrums, which made the government call for a revision of the verdict and the Turkey was re-arrested and the public rejoiced.
Following news that a Nigerian economist is hotly tipped to become the next president of the World Bank, ISPs all over the world have recorded an increase in emails from people claiming to be her relatives offering millions to strangers in exchange for sensitive credit card information.
Meanwhile Nollywood filmmakers have started on a reboot of Beyonce The President’s Daughter.
In other movie news, award winning filmmaker Jason Russell has announced plans to make a documentary about that disgusting piece of shit Turkish pedophile.
Russell, who won an award for being the first person to make an internet sex tape featuring only himself, said this was in keeping with his longstanding concern for the children of Uganda.
He added that he was glad to see that he was no longer the worst when it came to exploiting Ugandan children.
The movie is to be called #Stop-this-filthy-piece-of-underhuman-rot-that-is-several rungs-of-disgust-lower-than-pig-dysentry-and-which-is-such-a-revolting-specimen of sick-perversity-that-we-can’t-even-say-its-name-2012.
In oily news, while Kenyans mined oil in Turkana, Ugandans mined a chimpanzee that is now believed to be the wisest person in the country. The company in charge of the discovery, Tullow Chimpanzee, expressed confidence and assured Ugandans that unlike the oil in Kenya, the chimpanzee in Uganda was capable of producing over 7,000 barrels of intelligence, enough to power radio and TV presenters’ accents back to normal.
Opposition Leader Kizza Besigye a.k.a Johnny Walker strolled to court with unprecedented peace this week to attend the court hearing of a case in which Bad Black, a local philanthropist, is charged with being local. Besigye’s spokesperson said he was there because he feels it is his duty to fight for the rights of all Ugandans.
In other court news, President Museveni pardoned jailed murderer Sharma Kooky, after mistaking him for a rapper. Massive public outcry followed because the public only supports the release of criminals when they are rappers like Lil Wayne and TI.
And that’s all we have this week, ladies and gentlemen. Poop in, piss out!