Judge: Mzungu! Welcome to court, sir. My name is My Honour, Judge Rosemary and I’m sorry for putting you through this process. Have they given you a cup of tea?
Convict: Nat yet, ma’am. Burr it’s okay.
Judge: Bambi poor thing! Clerk, go and bring the man some tea. Please sit, sir. So you know why you’re here?
Convict: Child pornography. I used lil’ girls for personal gratification. I defiled them lil’ negroes.
Judge: Yes, you defiled them. Such a gentleman. He didn’t even deny it. Me my husband at home I ask him simple things like who switched off the power and he blames it on UMEME. He never takes responsibility for anything. Wamma. So you plead guilty?
Convict: Yes, yarr‘ana.
Judge: Bambiiiiii!!! Clerk, why are you still here? Where’s the man’s tea. Don’t make me angry!
Clerk: It’s ready, Your Honour, but I sent the janitor to go and buy cassava at Mama Nakato’s hotel.
Judge: How many times do I have to tell you bazungu don’t eat cassava? Ugandans can mean to be cruel. Wamma sir, we shall get you some pizza after this. So sorry.
Convict: It’s aight, men.
Judge: So er… by the way, I didn’t get your name.
Clerk: He’s called Emin Baro. Like the short form of wheelbarrow.
Judge: Shut up! Do you know I can hold you in contempt of court and give you 3 years in prison? So Barrow, I’m sorry for asking but just out of curiosity, how did you defile these innocent girls?
Convict: Well, I’m glad you asked. I used to give ‘em sweets and a lil’ bit’a money here and there… like 2000 shillings, then I’d…
Judge: And they’d accept? Wabula you’re a player! Men! Anyway, go on.
Convict: Yeah, then I’d take ‘em lil’ nigga b*tches to ma bedroom, force ‘em to take off they clothes as I watched them cry and beg for mercy, then I’d push ‘em down and give ‘em gangsta lovin’ and post they pics on Facebook, you feel me?
Judge: Hahahah. I hear gangsta lovin’. You’re not black. Stop tying tying on us. You know that’s one of my fantasies? I want my husband to come home and tear my clothes off and just… (sigh)… but instead it’s those small bu-girls who get to enjoy my fantasy. Life is unfair.
Convict: Sorry, men.
Judge: You’re really caring, you know that? If it was entirely up to me I’d just release you and let you have your way with me but… you know the law.
Convict: It’s aight, men.
Judge: So pay some little money and I’ll give you three years in jail.
Convict: Three years???!!!
Judge: I know. Today’s judicial system is messed up. Okay, is two years okay with you?
Convict: Oh hell! Sure.
Judge: Wow. You’re also understanding. Clerk, let the man finish his tea and then escort him to prison. Then bring me that idiot Besigye! Walking in public?! What an idiot! I swear if it were my court I’d give him a life sentence.