You Can’t Stop StopKony. An Interview With the New Russellites

By • Mar 27th, 2012 • Category: WTH



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These are not the 100 combat-ready troops from the US armed forces who Obama sent to assist African armies in the hunt for Kony. Those ones arrived last year. These are the ones who were sent by Jason Russell. We met them at the airport and held this exclusive interview.

American Kid: Oily Oat Yeah!

ULK: What?

American Kid: Owly Ought Year!

ULK: Sorry?

American Kid: All are rage yeah?

ULK: Maybe this will work better if you just spoke English. Mine is passable. I was educated in SMACK.

American Kid: Okay. I was educated in America, so don’t use too many big words and I’ll try to keep up.

ULK: I will employ my most quotidian phraseology…

American Kid: What?

ULK: Sorry. Heh. I mean, I will use my simplest words. Now, what brings you to Uganda, Mister Cody Leslie Burshwitz?

American Kid: Well, I’m here with my friends Kyle, Ryan and Troy, man. We heard about Kony and we’re here to stop him. The guy in the video said y’all need Americans to stop Kony and he said, WE can do it, and we believe in ourselves, and that nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself and that we can change history if we just get up and say we can do it! And so we gat on a plane and here we are. So, point us in the direction of Kony and let’s start stoppin’ him.


Kony Task Force


ULK: Wait, before I do that, how exactly do you plan on stopping him?

American Kid: We gat a lat of social activism, man, he can’t beat all this activism we’re packin’! Man, I tweeted like seventy-two times about Kony. Like half my friends stopped fallowing me cos all I talked about was Kony.

ULK: Don’t you think you will need some sort of weapon? A gun or something like that?

American Kid: What? Man, you need to get offa those stereotypes! Nat all Americans gat Guns, okay? Some of us don’t carry guns!

ULK: But how do you intend to fight a warlord without guns?

American Kid: Well, y’know the guy who told us about Kony, the guy who made this youtube video? He was selling what he called Action Kits, and we bought some. So let’s see what’s innem.

ULK: Okay, let’s see… Oh. I see you are opening your Stop Kony 2012 action kits. And um, this doesn’t look promising.

    Sold out, by the way. As in Sold OUT.

American Kid: It’s a t-shirt, and some posters and some stickers. Man, I paid thirdy dallars fer this! And it’s jus some t-shirts and stickers? There should at least be a catapult in here! At least a stick! At least a m&*(&*^*(!! Stick I can use to beat Kony! What am I gonna do to Kony with a T-shirt? Walk up to him and say, “Oh you man, cos I’m stylin on you?”

ULK: Maybe there is a blackberry in there you can use to tweet him. Like tweet him in all caps and refuse to like his updates and stuff. Use the power of social media!

American Kid: Are you being sarcastic?

ULK: Yes.

Operational budget

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