Oh don’t look at me like that, with those round judgey eyes. You’re a drunk. I’m a drunk. We’re all drunks. My intoxicant of choice is life and occasionally, waragi. Yours may be cartoons and white wine, or porn and zed. That’s your business.
Point is we’re always bombed out of our minds on something, and this drunkenness is what determines things like personality and the number of friends you have and the number of times you score.
While reading this guide is guaranteed to make you more likeable, it is a given that printing it out and presenting it at bars, like, say, Bubbles, will NOT earn you free drinks.
I can confirm that when you take a printout to a bartender and try to convince him that you deserve free stuff on the merit of your big white shit of paper, and not a little beige one (is that the color of 50 bobs? Beige?), he’ll serve you disgust and not alcohol. He’ll look at you like you’re a bunch of dog vaginas stapled together and not a responsible human being that wears cute earrings.
So printing this article and expecting it to attract booze is something you should! Not! Do!
Learn how to be a fun and loveable drunk, as opposed to a vile and detestable one by internalizing the bullets below:
- Do not be a rough dubbist: If the desire to grind comes upon you, remember that the activity you are engaging in is not a power contest. It is not a competition. Grinding into your dance-mate’s body like some sort of brake-less vehicle isn’t going to inspire respect or deep desire.
- Don’t proposition people over whatsapp: because that is cheap, disgusting, cheap behavior. Man, you’re not even paying for that message. Ko a text? At least then the person you want to enjoy sexy times with can note your willingness to spend 130 shillings on them. Asking for such things over whatsapp inspires gagging and hatred.
- Not in greeting, not in jest, not in argument, or even in agreement should you tap penisia. (Penisia is a delightful plural for penis that Louis C.K came up with. Neat, eh?) That kind of thing never ends well. It either heightens expectation in the owners of these appendages or it causes annoyance, especially if you tap too hard. It never causes indignation though. Hmmm.
- Be willing to share your intoxicants. Be they cartoons or pirated movies, grass or wine, just share, man. And don’t expect people to share theirs with you. You be the giving hippy, ok? If you’re unwilling to bless the selfish world with your stuff, you’re not drunk enough. Waiter!
- Screw the last bullet. Follow the law of the playground. Only share with people who are willing to share with you.
- In that awkward moment when you have nobody to speak to, or when you’re too slurry to be awesome, or when your eyes are too embarrassingly crimson for you to look other people in the eye, read damp squid (link). It’s hilarious. Your happiness will rise off you in such fat, frothy, drunken waves that soon, you’ll be standing on a bar stool, reading aloud to an enraptured audience. And then a hot somebody will stumble into the bar, or wherever and your eyes will meet, but you won’t pause your reading. And then some fun, life changing shit will happen.
I think this is the end.