Monday Massacres: Handy Work #Kony2012 #Horny2012

By • Mar 19th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

You may have spent your weekend in your room mastering the equestrian lanky foot spin ahead of the national ballet trails you’ve been eyeing ever since you saw those people on TV in their small outfits showing off their specially-enhanced-for-TV-groin regions.

You probably missed some earth-shattering things that went down. Here at ULK, we are all about saving you from having to whip out your phone and playing snake when your friends start talking about these things. So here goes:

Going Hard at work

Late last week, Jason Russell, the man behind the Kony 2012 awareness campaign, was allegedly caught in public strangling the bishop. Jerking off. Teaching people how to jerky. Strangling  his Kony. Taking matters into his own hands. Generating more adhesive for his posters. Playing with his child soldiers.

I’ve made things up before but this stuff is too touchy even for me to make up. Here’s the huffingtonpost saying what was at hand:

And here’s TMZ’s video onnit. You may want to watch with just one eye. And since there’s no way you can explain this to your Pastor, turn the monitor thooosee ends

HANDling the truth

Amama released…hehe, ok. Lame joke about the poor man. Lame joke about the not poor man. Amama released a video. He did. He really released a video. Nothing like the Kim Kardashian one. He was fully-clothed. Nothing like the Jason Russel incident. He wasn’t using his hands much. He was sitting upright, erect if you will, and setting things straight. Telling peeps that Ug is actually safe. Us we already knew that but the 80 million people who watched the YouTube video didn’t…so thanks AmamaMbabz. Ambizzie. Ambezzle. Thanks for sticking up for us. Great gesture.

Here’s the video:


That video is the ring in boring. A speech I tell you; like those state of the nation addresses with the flag of ug in the background and the speaker staring unflinchingly at the camera like it’ll squirt bad white stuff at them if they don’t. Russel’s video (the first one about Joseph Kony, not the one about his own Kony) had flash and all those elements of film that make the heart of the viewer swell; Amama’s video probably involved a tired UBC cameraman thinking of Unicorns and gonja to stay awake. For a proper video Ambabz, give ULK a call. We give you good deal man.

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