Monday Massacres: When Flagged Down by the Police

By • Mar 12th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

I’m entirely to blame for the delay in massacaring on time; my apologies. I come with handy tips though. Every so often, while driving around on what we call roads, you’ll be stopped by the boys in white. The popo. They’ve also been referred to as the ug astronauts. The ughee milkmen. The illuminated ones. And sometimes people even call them the traffic police. Here are some tips on how to conduct yourself when they flag you down.

Park wherever they point: The police are the long arm of the law. Show nuff respect. Park

Ask no questions.

Don’t make eye contact

If they give you a breathalyzer test, blow whatever they give you.

Don’t make any sudden movements.

Do not spill your drink on the officer’s impeccably white uniform

Do not offer a bribe because bribing is bad and immoral and hell is already full of people who did it

If asked to get out of the car and get frisked, do not moan while being frisked

If they do arrest you and read you your rights, do not interrupt the traffic officer.

Do not break into song while talking to the police. The police force is a place of hardcore men and women who have no time for frivolous things like music. If you cannot resist the urge to, then sing some lingala stuff. It wouldn’t hurt to gerrout of the car and do the dance too

Do not attempt to erotically rub against the policeman/policewoman

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