First, who or what is Uganda?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Then He got bored and fast-forwarded to creating countries and Twitter and Facebook and Rihanna and Invisible Children.
And that’s where the Americans got confused. Coz they started seeing continents called Elephant and wild animals called Uganda and countries called Africa. And they went back to God and said, “Look, we’re not adults. We’re just Invisible Children. Please go back to the start and explain properly.”
And so God sneered and created ULK and contracted them to rewrite the Bible like a Ladybird book. Like this:
In the start God invented humans. And put them in different parts of the world. Those parts of the world are called continents. Africa is one of these continents. Yes kids, that’s correct. Just like North America. Have some candy.
In Africa, there are many countries. And Uganda is one of them. It’s a country in East Africa, not Central Africa like Paris Hilton told you.
Uganda is where LRA rebel leader Kony committed those atrocities you talk about six years later. Yes, I said six years later. You don’t have to look around the page for subtitles. We broke up with Kony and hooked up with sexier problems that could have sold big on sheer relevance.
We have the big-breasted nodding disease, the beautiful power blackouts with big black bosoms, Bad Black with er… something and filthy rich government ministers.
We also have The Ebonies and The Hostel. Why do you pick on a failed rebel to take lead role in a hit movie when we have accomplished actors who would love to have a piece of world fame?
We were already killing Kony, anyway. What, you think he left Uganda coz he had more Facebook friends in Congo? We had taken his pajamas hostage and he knew we were close.
President Obama knows about him, which is why he sent soldiers to help the Ugandan army. If I were Obama, I would send R.Kelly to pee on Harry Potter and all the invisible children at Hogwarts for thinking I rely on Twitter updates to make political decisions.
Unless of course our internets were doing the gwalagwala dance across the Indian Ocean that it took six years for the news to reach your laptop.
And when you opened your Twitter, you were hit in the face with a headline wearing bark cloth and shouting with a spear in hand and a Zebra in the background:
“Gudumoningi, sir. Dey have senti me nti to telli you mbu Kony izi killingass andi no one is heleping.”
If that’s the case, I understand and we are very sorry. Next time we’ll send you the news using those flying things we see on TV. I think you call them planes.