The results of national examinations are out. Students all over the country were overjoyed as they finally got to find out whether the past two years of misery were worth it, or whether the headmaster was right when he said you were just wasting everybody’s time and that you should have dropped out after S4 and gone into the chicken plucking business like your loser father, because now there are two years worth of chicken that have gone unplucked because you were here wasting time failing papers.
A school in Bunkisiki Subcounty, Flourishing Beanstalks SSS, has been certified by Uganda National Examinations Board as having produced the worst performing student in Uganda.
28-year old Stuat Seguya achieved this feat by not just writing in the wrong answers, but mostly by placing the wrong answers to the wrong questions.
For example. When asked to account for the fall of the Bunyoro Kitara Kingdom he answered, “Hydrogen”.
When asked to outline some of the themes in Shakespeare’s Romeo And Juliet he answered: “Fulcrum.”
On the rare occasions that he actually managed to stick to the subject, he still could not answer the questions right.
History: Account for the End of The Cold War in the 1990s
“The cold war ended dew to a lot of enviromentle damage caused areas such as the Westarn Ewrope and the Ireland when Lenin she cut away all d treez leeding to Grobo Waming and the cold war it melteds.”
Physics: Describe an experiment you can carry out to verify the laws of reflection of light.
“When you look down on the flour and have bean when have bean raining and then a teacher can walk on rain paddle and he is a woman teacher and you want to see the nikka.”
CRE: What lessons can Christians draw from the missionary life of Apolo Kivebulaya?
“Who is dat one now? U fast tell me.”
Literature: In King Lear what does the fool mean by: “thou gav’st the rod and putt’st down thy own breechers?”
“I dont know what fool she is meaning becos she is writing in bad incorrect sperring. The fool it seams she think she iz writing on facebook. Tell fool to learn sperring then we can now what she is saying. That I hear gavst.”
History: (a) Describe the migration and settlement of the Bantu
Those ones also? They came to Uganda after oppression was too much in Outside countries so they came hear in Buganda and de start distabing us.
(b) What were their commercial and administrative activities
They cam and they fak our women becoz they are the ones with money.
In Mathematics he answered all questions with the word: “LOL!”
Seguya closed his interview by congratulating all the other students who successfully passed their exams, with the message, “See you guys in three years when you join me in unemployment.”