Monday Massacres: Inside Her Bag-Part I

By • Feb 27th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

I was at a Hip hop party on Saturday. I didn’t know people could string hard words together like that with little provocation; I witnessed free styling from So Severe, Suspekt, Benny Black, Ruyonga and Enygma. Real top off the head free styling. From the names, you’d expect them to have bandanas, durags, chains, grills, white vests and to buy their jeans in kilos. No one had these things. Save for this guy I was standing next to who preferred to free style into his palm while the rest did their thing on what served as a stage…don’t do it with your palm when you can get on stage mehn. And as the party picked up, I was summoned by stranded friends to heave their car; it had decided to chill on the way to the venue. I pulled out my cape, took off my specs and off I went to immerse my razor-sharp wit into pushing a car…heave! I missed all the other free styling…

Hip Hop

Hip hap outta the way, onwards onwards…In as much as some topics are generally out of my scope, this particular piece was collaborative. This is a product of extensive research. There are the voices of many people. Not in my head. Real, breathing people. Again, not in my head. These are the voices of many ladies reaching out to fellow ladies using the benevolent hand of ULK. Today, together with them, we go into what you as a lady should do when your most prized non-battery-powered possession hits the ground and spills its contents. What should you do when your handbag drops and err’thing takes a unique direction? Here’s what to do:

Lipstick

Don’t worry about this; a lady passerby, even before seeing it, will immediately sense the proximity of lipstick on the ground, pick it and from the shade of your pouted lips, identify you as the owner and bring it over. She’ll even hug you and wipe the tear off your left eye with her mauve scarf.

Dumb bells

Worry about these if your bag drops among ‘corporates’. Look the wrong way and Jimmy Jones over there will pocket your dumb bells. True, he’ll look like he has a suspiscious boner but that’ll be the least of his worries as he hastily walks towards his Premio to hide it.

Dumb bells

If your bag drops in the park, your dumb bells are safe. The people most likely to pocket them associate heavy-lifting in gyms with car engines.

Toolbox

Make sure you pick up your screw driver and pliers very fast. These are the most vulnerable items in your toolbox; they will be stolen if you don’t move FAST…the rest are fairly safe. Pliers because some people like de-toothing; Screw driver because people generally love screwing around

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