How are you ugly? Let me count the ways… a TOP TEN

By • Feb 22nd, 2012 • Category: Columns, Top 10

In life there are beautiful people and ugly people. That is how it is. And that is all that matters. As a youngster , I did not believe this. Instead I believed Jesus when he told me that God loves us just the same. However my great aunt Marjorie, who was a hater both by instinct and preference, convinced me otherwise.

She taught me (as I sat by the fireside, bright eyed and innocent) that things were not as they seemed. That talent, character, good works et cetera were reduced to nothing if the owner didn’t sport a bouncy boob or a swollen bicep. And if the owner did, something as simple as an ugly nose could kill it.

Here she would stare pointedly at my nose.

As I grew older, I found to my intense chagrin that I indeed, had an ugly nose. In fact I once (I have told this story many times) scared a newly laid egg so badly it popped back into its hen mother’s backside.

True story

Presenting the top ten features that kill your looks and how you can know

And I sincerely pray you have something to counterbalance, at least for me I can boast that I have the most nicely rounded potats in the district.

Behold them and weep

1.       Mouth

You are chatting online with a friend and you type LOL and they reply Shut It. It’s because you just made them imagine you with your mouth wide open.

2.       Fingernails

You hand a traffic policeman a bribe and he tells you his morals don’t allow it. Actually he has no morals. He is just scared that you infected the money with a flesh eating fungus.

3.       Voice

You stand up to testify in fellowship and you hear people saying Hush… Hush… For Your Information, that wasn’t meant for the giggling kids in the back, you self delusional horror, it was meant for you.

4.       Ass

You walk through the park and you hear louts shouting “Onzita”. Which in taxi lout speak translates as, “you are killing me! (with laughter)”

5.       Feet

If you’ve ever gotten your feet stepped on in a taxi, the answer should be obvious. Your feet are too huge. Yeah, better get busy with an axe bitch.

6.       Public persona

You have likes on your Facebook profile picture but no comments. Basically your picture is a self esteem booster for the Facebook public. It is worse if someone comments only to say, “I wish I could like twice”.

7.       Low self esteem

If you just checked your Facebook picture … you aren’t just ugly, you are encroaching on pathetic.

8.       Swag

If  you have to talk about your own swag then you are ugly

Even Beyonce gave up on upgrading THIS shit


  1. 9.       Video

Video Games are great ugliness valuators, especially first person shooter games.  A basic rule of thumb is that if your character never seems to want to face you, you are ugly.

  1. 10.   Popularity

If animals like you, it is only because you are one of them.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people