Welcome back from the Valentine’s romance sausage. I’m happy to see that no one died from this strange plague.
Except in Kenya.
A recent conclusive study reported that Ugandans are more romantic than Kenyans.
Now, the researchers at Synovate knew you bwanas would try to hang yourselves after reading this so they hid all the ropes in order to preserve wild life or something like that.
But don’t worry. We know where the ropes are. We just thought we’d rub the wound with some more research before showing you where they are. We’re very generous people.
Remember how a previous study showed that Kenyans are the ugliest people in Africa? The ropes are in the basement of a shop in Nyeri. You’re welcome.
I understand how you’d walk up to a chick and tell her you like her then she laughs at you and says as much as she really likes keeping dogs, she prefers to date humans.
And then you tell her you are beautiful on the inside and she reaches in her bag and pulls out a research paper showing your unromantic intestines.
Well, like I said, we’re very generous people. We helped our brothers and sisters in Kenya compile reasons why the heartless researchers came up with these sinful results.
Simple. Domestic violence. Apparently, when a Kenyan man comes home, it’s hard to tell whether he was beaten by a woman or bitten by a lion. He comes back looking like this.
Or even worse, like this.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING GRAPHIC IMAGE SHOULD NOT TO BE VIEWED BY PERSONS UNDER 18.
Let’s assume you’ve somehow wooed (or threatened) someone into loving you and you’re taking them out for a romantic dinner. No one will let you into their hotel looking like that. It’s just a general government policy.
We’re romantic liars. When we are too poor that we can only afford to buy candles and a few pieces of rice here and there, we tell our women it’s a candlelit dinner and they cry and take off their clothes.
Load shedding. Researchers here don’t have enough light to see their research.