Notes from an Idle Mind | Valentine’s Edition

By • Feb 14th, 2012 • Category: WTH

What this holiday needs is a grinch.

Wait, don’t crucify me. Digging someone is fine. In fact, we’d likely be spared a shit load of wars if our Presidents loved each other a little. It’s not enough to love yourself some kingdom’s queen. Go straight to the top, that not withstanding, Valentine’s day just brings out the worst in people. Let’s think about this critically for a second {and I realise the best example at this point would lie with me actually writing an article bashing lover’s day}

Inflation

Typically, your loved one will be cool with whatever you do in a show of affection, no matter how cheap it comes off. A tight hug should suffice, coz nothing says I care about you like trying to asphyxiate someone. But that’s not what happens on Feb 14th. The gloves come off. You remember that scene in Oliver Twist where that poor little kid is holding out his bowl and asking for more? Yeah, that’s pretty much what’s gonna happen, except that you can not…. WILL not look at your beloved and practically scream, “More?! You dare ask for more affection? and then proceed to yank that warm and fuzzy feeling away. Nope, when your sweerie looks at you and asks, “is this all?” You will realise that you need to step up your game and rob a bank.

I’ve got hoes

Or at least that’s the impression that people create when they move about with a garden of roses all over the place. For some bizarre reason, this particular lot of roses seems to wield some otherworldly power as made evident from the reaction you will likely receive when you bestow flora upon your unsuspecting prey…. you wish she was unsuspecting. She saw this coming from a year away, but then she managed, what luck, to pick up a nasty case of PVA {Pre-Valentinal-Amnesia} so whatever you throw at her will in fact come off as the most surprising event since Ricky Martin stuck a dainty foot out the closet door.

Abstinence

Nothing says I love you like being appreciated without having to put out. Seriously. All those times you’ve lay there gazing into each other’s eyes… well one of you almost always gazes at the other’s eyelids…. all those times when you’ve been saying you care a lot about each other on the basis of a) personality  b) good cooking  c) lovely toe-nails d) Comfy chests {she- boobs , he – a forest}  all those times are going to be tested. TONIGHT. That’s right. This is when you put your money where your mouth is, and tonight, it just may not be on her because she just wants to hold hands and not much else. Today is when you declare that you’re hard not because you want to join with her and create the beast with two backs, but rather you mean it is a compliment. That’s right, practice the following statement for when she says “you’re excited”…. “I mean it as a compliment”

Color Blindness

The human eye can only take so much. We are supposed to enjoy a certain diversity. God didn’t create all these beautiful things and color them so different just so you could conveniently ignore them and start to pay attention to specific colors. And yet, because someone advanced the theory that to err is human and swiftly added that red and black are the colors of love, your eyes will have to deal with that. The.Whole. FREAKIN. DAY. What this does to your eyes is convince them that the world’s gone to the dogs and that’s how it’s going to be from now on. As such, the eyes then start to adapt to just two colors out of all the ones available on the full spectrum. Then, just as it’s about to get ‘there’, you suddenly introduce the other colors. This colorus interuptus can best be equated to when you’re downloading a file and then as it’s about to hit 100%, it fails. Or when you’re hitting on a person and just as you’re about to seal the deal, you get the runs…. in a very roundabout way, what I’m trying to say is, that shit sucks!
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please don’t try to focus on the words in a particular color scheme, I’m not smart enough to hide messages in my articles. If I were, I’d have written the Da Vinci Code*

The end of your social life as you know it

Typically, you’ll look forward to the end of the day so you can relax and unwind. That’s what you will attempt to do, but let’s face it, that’s not gonna happen. The places you like to hang out at will be filled with couples which will just make you feel a little inadequate. . .

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doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers