It’s generally known that when a couple breaks up, it’s because one thinks the other is bad, right? So the little wusses buy new hankies, change their Facebook statuses and go out looking for someone better.
If you subscribe to this theory, the nurses switched you at birth. Your real mother, the mother who could have given you correct advice was part of the global fund that was donated to Uganda in the early days.
She was stolen and is now probably one of Basajjabalaba’s buildings. And many people enter her without the faintest respect for her. The horror!
Anyway, in her final moments, just before she was turned into a global fund, she told me to tell you this. There’s no such thing as a bad partner, but rather a partner you’re just not attracted to. Let me break it down for you.
According to the Wuss Hypothesis, a bad partner is one who:
- Cheats like a Ugandan minister playing matatu
- Drinks like a punctured mug
- Is lazy like a toilet seat
- Doesn’t have money like an MC staring at a musician’s watch with saliva pouring down the sides of his mouth
- Is not focused like a radio presenter who gets in his periods after his testicles are crashed by 103 million shillings
- Is not appreciative like a kingdom head who… (Gwe! Focus!)
What the little wusses forget is that actually, these are all the qualities of a good partner. Again, let me break it down for you.
I like breaking down things. I’m like Masiko Kabakumba driving down Entebbe road and then I see a sexy mast with dazzling eyes that could turn a TV signal into stone just by looking at them.
Because I follow a strict word limit, I’ll only use one example.
A good partner will drink themselves silly so that when you’re both out partying, you can buy lots of alcohol and pretend you’re so gangsta that no matter how many beers you buy, you can’t get high. Your friends will see you buying bottle after bottle and look at you as their Al Capone… the almighty godfather who won’t be phased by mere mortal alcohol.
Oh look at that. I have more space. Okay, another example. A good partner will cheat on you so that when people find out and make mean jokes about him, you can both laugh about them in bed and bond even more.
Wife: Hahahaha look at the woman they say you cheated on me with.
Hubby: I know, right? Oba what was I thinking that night? I think I was high.
Wife: Get outta here!
Hubby: I swear! Something must have been wrong with me.
Wife: No. I mean get the f**k out of my bedroom you selfish bastard!