Monday Massacres: Valentines Edition

By • Feb 13th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

I know have so much game, your friends call you ranger. Geddit? Game ranger? Ok, very lame joke. But with the stakes as high as they are tomorrow, it wouldn’t kill to get a few extra tips on how to make tomorrow sizzle. Several hours peeling back pages of my aMillsy collection has made me more than qualified to give you tips on how to handle Vals Day. (dum dum dum duummmmmmmm-scary soundtrack)

Call her in the morning

Say, in a groggy voice, ‘Hey beibi, I wntd 2 b tha fast 2 hear ya voice on Valz de’.

Send her flowers

Add a short sweet note. Do not send weeds. Or weed. Girls don’t like that. Let your note be practical and romantic. Something like

“I know flowers are plant genitalia, so this is like sending you someone’s balls but I want you to know you are my flower.”


True Love is spelt F.L.O.W.E.R.S. That's why it's called de-flowering. True love

 Don’t call to say you love her

Don’t do that. That is so Stevie Wonder days. Get onto a Boda and show up at her office. Don’t listen to the receptionist saying that she’s in a meeting with her boss and that he’s telling her, in a not so low voice, that her desk would be better put to use by paying tap-dancing midgets to perform on it thrice a day.

Push the door open and tell him, “Ima let you finish but…” then burst into song. “I just came, to sayyyyy…I looovveeee youuu” (Make sure you point firmly at her, make eye contact even, while singing the 3 magical words. We don’t want the boss thinking the message is for him)

Rent a horse

Girls like boys on white horses. You’ve seen it everywhere. Rent a horse and offer her a ride. Say “Beibi, let’s ride now. Then we can ride later (wink wink)”. Don’t say the wink part. Actually wink

Eat expensively

Take her to a very expensive place. What? Eh? That you are broke? Dude, what do you think all those banks are for? Douche! Get a loan already. If you don’t buy her expensive food, someone else will. And then you’ll get onto a network. And some guy with a disturbing voice will call you telling you who he sleeps with.


Girls love this. And don’t buy local chocolate. Order something fancy from Azerbaijan. It will probably not arrive in time so meet your girl and swear on your mother’s grave that you sent for chocolates. Show her the receipts even. Show her your call log. Show her

Fight for her

It isn’t true love if you haven’t fought her dad and told him to his face “I don’t care what you say Sir. I love Santamaria with all ventricles of my heart no matter what you do”.

Also, beat to a pulp anyone who stares at your girl too long. Even that waiter, if he asks her what she’ll have, he should look away while she makes up her mind.

Dance routine

Hire a dance group (like The Obsessions. Click here to pay for the ad) then on cue, while she’s on Kampala road, walking to work, they should jump out, surround her, shower her with flowers and show off some cool pre-rehearsed dance routine. They should practice with you so that in the middle of the routine you can jump in and dance with them.

As an aside, excuses you shouldn’t fall for tomorrow

I am down with acute celebralpalseticonia and I’m going to India for an operation

I have AIDS

(Cough cough) Bird flu gat me

The cat ate my outfit

I am working late. Let me call you when I leave work

Also, don’t fall for those things of those who don’t pick their phones or those who switch them off. Call till the phone switches itself back on.

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