Monday Massacres: How To Act

By • Feb 6th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres

Many times you find yourself admiring people in films and wishing it was you. You blow off the steam by cross-dressing and singing in the shower.  No worries, friend. The film industry in Uganda is, unlike a Eunuch’s parts, on the rise. Here at ULK, we know how badly you want to be in a film and because of the bigness of our hearts, we always aim at keeping your dreams alive. Today’s massacre is entirely made up of tips that’ll turn you into a top-notch Ugandan actor. I show you here how to express some things on the silver screen.

Shock

Shock is expressed by opening your mouth, letting out a small ‘ouuww’ sound and then covering your mouth with your hand

Aspiring Actor

Aspiring Actor

 Grief

This is done by putting your hands on your head and falling to your knees. You then have to let out a long ‘woooweeee’. The most established actors have the longest woowees

 Kissing

This is done by moving your face close to the face of the person you are supposed to be kissing, moving your head up and down all the while waiting for the camera to move its focus to the bald goat eating leaves outside

Sex

This is the easiest. Take the hand of the person you are supposed to be having sex with and walk towards a bedroom. It has to be a bedroom. Sex on the Uganda silver screen doesn’t take place anywhere but in the bedroom. Shut the door. That is all. The camera will zoom out and focus on a stack of books in one corner of the room. We’ll then see the two of you emerge from the room some time later. Be sure to say, “Honey, that was great” for us to have no doubts that the two of you were getting down

 Joy

This is shown by letting out a shrill scream and hugging the source of the joy. Car. Cooker. Boda guy. Wet puppy. Scream and hug. Even guys are required to do this.

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