Last night I had an epiphany, an insight into the very fabric of the cosmos, I saw Truth herself, heard the sound of her voice and held her hand as she guided me to the Pierian spring.
At the spring she solemnly handed me a golden chalice encrusted with pearls and diamonds and urged me to drink deep of the sparkling waters of knowledge and understanding. That was when I received the aforementioned epiphany.
It was about boobs.
Boobs are possibly the most powerful force in the universe. The cynics at Cambridge and wherever might claim that world peace is a fantasy but I think that with the strategic use of boobs, we might actualize Utopia in our time.
This might seem a trifle far-fetched but before you stamp your foot et cetera, let us try a little experiment.
Imagine a cultural fundamentalist, a Muslim, Obama, a rabid Pentecostal, a redneck and a Tazmanian devil having a discussion
on the true and proper way to manage the affairs of the globe.
Now imagine this very talented pair of mammaries
happens to take a stroll through the neighbourhood. You think these clowns are going to keep fighting? No they aren’t, it’s going to get so quiet in there you can hear them think. Or would hear them think if your own brain wasn’t so assaulted by boobish thoughts.
To create tranquility out of chaos… THAT is the power of Boob.
As I lay by the Pierian Spring, I imagined a world where every child has food, health care and education; a world where the sound of a gun-shot is just a faded memory in the collective subconscious of humanity, a world where man and his environment co-exist in harmony… I tell you… it was a beautiful dream; tears fell out of my skull.
Now I have done some research, and it appears that there is no International Day of the Boob. This is a shameful state of affairs and it has to stop forthwith. Honestly. We cannot continue in a world with so much suffering when there are boobs attached to approximately half the human population. Two by the way, which means there is a boob for every person on this planet.
That is what they call Statistics.
Now I know feminists are going to argue, they will say Streetsider, you are going to demean women, you are doing this and that, but listen to me for a minute; women need to stop fighting and embrace their God given power. There is power in femininity, power in being soft, round, squishy and bewitchingly warm… a power for good as well as evil. If testicles have been f**ing up the state of the world for centuries, maybe it’s time to give boobs a chance!