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Top Ten: Ride This Town

By • Feb 2nd, 2012 • Category: Top 10

I’ve said here before that boda boda riders are what came out when Satan got a handjob. I am man enough to eat my own words. Today, the shoe is on the other talon. I’ve seen the unemployment statistics and it’s time I empowered you; become a boda boda rider today. Here are top ten ways
how.

 

  • Feed your mind: A true boda boda rider is a guru on every subject under the scorching Kampala sun. He knows about SOPA, THEBABY, UTODA, PIPA, Seal’s breakup, Kardashian’s beep, how to dougie, Aguilera’s flow, Jay B’s baby, the financial markets, Owino market…err’thing.

 

  • Meditate: This is a very important skill. Kampala is a crazy city to live in let alone ride in. Your safety on the road is always at risk. Practice intense meditation; you’ll need to do it everywhere and at every opportunity. Given how busy an average day is, like other riders, you’ll use time riding to meditate. Swerving past cars on Kampala road, stuck in traffic at clock tower, speeding to Ntinda, pull out your prayer beads and meditate. Zone out. Don’t worry about who will control the bike; if your passenger can’t do it, Buddha will.

 

  • Helmet: Even before you get a bike, get accustomed to helmets. Buy one. Wear it to work. Go swimming with it. keep it on at the restaurant. Even when making out, keep it on. Tell her/him, “I gat ze protection baby” and point at it.

 

  • Lip gloss: Many times during your average day you’ll walk past places with lip gloss, mascara, fake teeth, lipstick, Vaseline….ignore these places. True bodabodies do not use these things.

 

  • Silence: Silence is for wussies. Let your voice be heard. Speak-up on what you think about what you had for supper. Let your thoughts on the state of your bike’s tyres be heard. Let people know what you do to boogers. Tell them also why you occasionally scratch your balls in public.

 

  • Theme song: The most bad-ass bodabodies have theme songs. Songs by Westlife are generally avoided. Think Sizza man. Think DJ Laguna.

 

  • Riding: To be a bona fide boda boda rider, you need something to ride. Something. Not someone. Or both. But one then the other.

 

  • Color: Bodabodies do not wear bright colors. Yellow. Orange. Those are for average Ugandans, not you, the elite.

 

  • Traffic rules: Get every traffic rule book you can come across and use it to light your sigiri. Use the fire to heat water for your annual bath.

 

  • Your body is your tool: Your weapon. Do not injure it. Be a master of yourself. Do not play with yourself.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

does the moonwalk during the day


  • Darius

    ASk them why some of them don’t wash their jackets