What To Do When You Get Killed In Uganda

By • Jan 30th, 2012 • Category: Society

Did you hear about the Luzira incident last week? Where a police constable named Santos Makmot Komakech shot and killed two people? We talked about it briefly on our Facebook and Twitter page.

Many were incensed and wanted the man to die that now anger is measured on the Makmot scale.

But frankly, you can’t blame the poor idiot. Look at him.


Such looks are bound to turn anyone violent at some point.

And with a name that sounds like two tractors carrying consonants collided with a speeding truck transporting vowels and all the vowels were left crippled or mortally wounded? Hell, I’d commit suicide every day.

So now that we have shifted the blame from Constable Fatalconsonants and kept it for use in the next government project, we need to guide you on what to do when something like this happens again.

This is for you Tommy Hilfiger and Katie Holmes, you idiots. What, you couldn’t buzz a brother? Shame on you.


The question is:

In Uganda, what do you do when someone kills you?


  • Don’t panic. You’re not going anywhere, are you?


  • Don’t play dead. People don’t like smartasses.


  • Don’t eat or drink. Shit is expensive.


  • Don’t call for help. Our help lines are reserved for people suffering from exposure to Lord Mayor Erias Lukwago before they start mutating into gigantic crybabies.


  • Don’t cry out to your mother. Give us enough time to find her first. Our vision is blurred when looking for mothers.


  • Don’t drive to the hospital. There’s a whole countrywide campaign about how friends don’t let friends die and drive.


  • Don’t bleed. Your girlfriend will think you’re a wimp and end the relationship.


  • And don’t follow the light. Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean UMEME is now on your side.


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