Monday Massacres: To Di Gym

By • Jan 16th, 2012 • Category: Monday Massacres, Top 10

Many times you stop halfway to the gym and kick the idea in the buttocks and head home instead. You are scared because you don’t know what it takes to make sweaty sweaty without looking like an ass. Here are top ten tips to keep your cool while sweating it out. And get flexible while at it

  1. Do not carry your ‘Best of Luther Vandross’
  2. Leave the suit at home. There’s an unwritten rule that makes everyone stop and judge you as you walk into a gym in a suit, even one that your loaded cousin sent you from outside countries
  3. Have a headband. All the cool kids in gyms have headbands
  4. Always lift the heaviest bits first. As soon as you walk in, drift towards the heaviest equipment in there like a minister towards money for roads. Get there and lift it like it owes you. This will get the girls ooing and aaing. It may also snap your spinal cord in two places but who needs those cords when the girls are doing all the singing?

    Let's do this!!!

  5. Dress up. Squeeze into purple leotards. Purple because it is the globally-recognized gym-friendly color. Leotards because all people who know what they are doing in a gym wear them. Don’t be those people who go to public swimming pools in Y-fronts. Also, wear shades. These will hide how much you are straining under some of the weights.
  6. Stop every 30 minutes to go to a mirror and check how much sweat you’ve worked up
  7. Re-hydrate. Every so often, reach for a few sips of alcohol to quench the thirst that’s threatening to do things to your throat.
  8. This should have been mentioned early but energy is of the essence. For extra energy, stuff down foods full of energy. Doodo. Chicken. Chips chaps.
  9. Take Viagra. If what people say is anything to go by, you’ll become very strong and you’ll effortlessly lift the all weights and the gym instructor.  Take a cold shower after.
  10. Carry your make-up stall to touch-up after.

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