We were all receiving ‘Emama, some lollipop’ notes back in P.3 when Mr. Besigye was at the blackboard going on and on about First Aid and Kiss-of-life. You missed all the important things he said about these life-saving skills. Today is your first lucky day this year; I give you essential first aid tips that could save lives.
First Aid one: Tug and Run
When in a restaurant and a pretty young lady drops her fork and while bending over to pick it, she chips her pink fingernail, put down the chips-chaps laden fork ascending to your mouth, momentarily switch off all auditory receptors picking information from the lady you went with to the restaurant, stand up and with rambo-walking-into-a-village-full-of-villains-who-stole-the-girl-he-wanted-to-bone-but-had-no-game-to-do-so motions, head to the girl’s table. Reach for her finger. Eye contact is key. Wide-slightly-watery eyes are your cue to proceed.
Slowly, deliberately, let out a drawl ‘ssooorrryyy preeettYy faaCcee’ and move her finger, ever-so-delicately, towards your lips. Stick the finger in your mouth and lick it in there’s-more-where-this-came-from motions. Pause. Take in her appreciation. Do not accept monetary thank-you’s. You may have missed that in English: DO NONT ACCEPUTI MONEY THANKI-YOUs. These will cheapen your act of benevolence. Stand as if to walk away. If she holds on to your hand a little longer, do these:
For 2 seconds longer: Turn and give her your number. Take hers also. Call it thrice as she reads it out. We can’t have her giving you her boda guy’s number
For 5 seconds longer: This is a sign of aggression in the kingdom animalia, family philia, genus humania. Drop enough notes on the ground to cover your bill, tug your hand free and run.
First Aid two: Ring Ring
When at office and one of your workmates, after receiving a verbal attack for being spineless and having shitty work, collapses at his desk, here’s what to do. Rush them to a hospital dumbass! Be sure to whisper sweet, re-assuring things into their unconscious ear to massage their bruised ego. “Wamma your work is the shit, it isn’t dog shit”