Monday Massacres: Company Presents

By • Dec 12th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

This article targets your boss at work. If you are the boss, smile, do the finger snap that bosses do and let out an accomplished sigh. If you are not the boss then most of this stuff won’t make sense since it is typed in bauseese; a highly-developed, fluidly-structured language that has very little concern for commas, apostrophes, spellings and question marks. It, however, has concern for periods. Much as I’m not fluent, I learnt the language during the time I spent with low-key, underground drug cartels in Mexico.

Now bauss, the festive season is here; a perfect time to work your minions like slaves. Force them to do long hours lest they get fired, stand next to them all day while they type, put a candle at their desk so they are reminded of what awaits them at home…push them to their wits end. Since it is a season of giving, they ought to give you err’thing. That said, the big guy who no one calls out for being ‘Happy’ for wearing tight, red pants this time of the year is on the loose, giving out gifts. Here are some gifts you could give your employees to win their loyalty.

Years supply of branded company sausage

Ugandans, on the outside, pretend not to like sausage. To be tired of it even. But hand it to any Ugandan and before you are done saying ‘Pothole orphanage’, the pack will be gone and an oily face will be staring back at you. Give your employees


Minion, what did you say?

Branded company underwear

Since it is generally frowned-upon to go around feeling on women’s boobs with the intention of getting them bras as presents (oh the double standards. As if we’d complain if they felt our groin area with the intention of getting us boxers), you cannot give out company bras. You can however, give out company boxers. One size fits all. And I do have it on very good authority that the ladies would clamor for these.

Tickets to the set of a Telenovela

“Last queen of Monte negro”, “Como si esta mia”, “Salvado smoro voice” are all examples of smashing telenovelas that have rocked TV sets of those under your expert command. Make your employees scream in delight and hand-over their car keys as a present to you; send five of them to the set of a telenovela. Send four girls and that guy with perfectly-shaped eyebrows and manicured nails.




Liking this article is what happens to cool people