Today, we take you undercover on a top-secret ULK mission. We reveal how one of our otherwise harmless operatives broke into State House and took a secret tour.
But first, a revelation:
I am that harmless operative. All chicks who want to sleep with me can come to ULK offices and register at the reception.
Thank you. Now on to my story.
Entering State House
There were two mean guards dressed in yellow camouflage shirts and a dog that looked unhappy with its salary standing unflinchingly at the gate.
To deter their attention, I took a blank paper out of my jacket pocket and threw it over the left side of the fence but no one budged. Then I got another blank paper, scribbled the word “corruption” and threw it over the fence. Without hesitation, they scampered for it and I sneaked in without being noticed.
The place was relatively quiet, save for a woman who was screaming, “I will not resign! I will not resign!” from high up on a signal mast located just next to a small shabby house labeled “LATRINE FOR NON-NRM MEMBERS”. I later identified her as Minister for Presidency Masiko Kabakumba.
The reception area
I was shocked to find Vice President Edward Ssekandi manning the front desk.
“Excuse me. Aren’t you the Vice President?” I asked him.
“Depends. Who’s asking?” he shot back.
“I’m just a normal Ugandan who has come to admire and say good things about our great leaders,” I answered.
“Oh. In that case, yes, I am indeed the Vice President of Uganda,” he said, getting up to assume a more dignified posture.
“I’m also here to ask you sophisticated questions about the political quandary of…”
“Am just a receptionist, my friend. The offices of people who actually matter are that side.”
I walked through a long corridor with about ten doors on either side. They all had different labels but only three caught my attention:
OFFICE FOR PUNISHING BESIGYE
It was nothing like an office. It was a large warehouse packed with canes, teargas canisters, hammers, two police cars, a fighter jet, Kayihura and several other items I couldn’t readily identify.
HEAD OF REJECTING RESIGNATION LETTERS
This one was filled with a huge decrepit pile of papers that were all torn in half. Before closing the door, I heard a whimper coming from somewhere behind one of the cabinets and etched closer to find out what was happening.
Suddenly, I heard another voice barking in a hushed tone from the same direction, “I will only accept your resignation as the governor of that bank when you die, do you understand? But if you still want to resign, it can be arranged.”
I closed the door quickly and hurried on.
OFFICE FOR COMPLAINTS AGAINST GOVERNMENT
Happy that I had finally found the room I was looking for, I opened the door, walked in and was shocked to find that it was actually the building’s secret exit. I turned to get back inside but it was too late. The door was locked.
I looked up and saw the president and his entire cabinet pointing down at me from one of the windows, laughing their lungs out. One of them shouted, “Ahahahahahah! Look at the idiot! And they say our government doesn’t know how to plan for the people!”