Verbatim Vs Verbatim: The Abusive Child

By • Nov 22nd, 2011 • Category: WTH

Six a.m. our hero is awoken by sounds of clattering, clanging and a very high-pitched rendition of Superbass coming from outside his bedroom window. He staggers outside to find his next-door neighbours’ three-year-old daughter with her array of plastic and cloth dolls spread out over his veranda. The clanging comes from the tins she is using to play. She is probably mbu that I hear “feeding them breakfast”. You know kids.

 

If you are not doing the walk of shame, why are you up at this time?

 


  • Our Hero: Lizzie! What the f**k! It’s seven o’clock! F**k!
  • Our Villain: Dude, language! There are children present.
  • Shya. Don’t act like you have never heard those words before. I have heard your mom and her boyfriend fight. Half of her vocabulary is like this: !!*&%@#$!!.. M%^#! F%^&*^!!@ Ny^&*%k! You can think she’s a member of G Unit the way that woman curses.
  • I don’t mean me, I mean my dollies. Kelendra, Sharana, Evangelista, Brancesca and Nabubbi. They don’t need to hear such words.
  • Oh. Sorry dollies… Although  Nabubbi looks like she doesn’t understand English anyway. Nabubbi, do you speaka da hengrish? Do you andastanddy?
  • Baz, let’s not get carried away…
  • Your mommy here is a public nuisance, Nabubbi. She is a terror, the bane of my mornings. Tell her that my vernanda is not the houses of parliament. Tell her if she has noise that must be made, she should get a degree or its equivalent and stand for MP. Add Msssww.
  • Have you heard the saying that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour, Baz?
  • I am sure whoever said that was being sarcastic. Now, Lizzie, having made my point, should I wait to see you pack your shit up and bounce before I go back to sleep or can I just go with the assurance that you will see yourself off my property?
  • Wait a second. Whose property?
  • You know what I mean…
  • No, no, no wait. Whose property did you say this was? I thought you were renting, just like my mummy next door. Your property?
  • Lizzie, you know what I meant. Now gather up your little plastic brood and haul ass off this veranda.
  • You told me to get off your property. I’m not on your property…
  • Stop being a smartass.
  • You are the one who started the smartassery with your sarcasm—
  • Elizabeth, why are you on my doorstep this early in the morning making noise?
  • Baz, I don’t want you to get a big head, that’s why I don’t usually tell you this, but truth is, you just have a nicer place than ours. I mean, you have great feng shui, you know.
  • Hey, you said we have to watch the language.
  • Feng shui, Baz. It’s a Japanese word for the way a person decorates and arranges their house.
  • Fang shoe what?
  • Feng Shui.
  • Feng Shui?
  • That’s right.
  • Nabubbi! Nabubbi, Feng Shui!! Msssssw! I love it. I’m using it next time you bring your screechy squealy little ass over here waking me up at dawn when I’m supposed to be on leave. Now get your feng the shui out of here.

Love, Nabubbi

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  • Mbyamukama

    Feng shui!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mabeljoy Joy Mabel N

    Can’t wait for a Lizzie vs Stewie face-off.