A Mug of coffee was drunk this morning; somewhere in one of the coffee shops of this fine city.
The empty mug in was adamant in his claims that the coffee that he had lately hosted was special in some cosmic way and that the drinking of aforesaid coffee was of paramount importance to mankind. To quote, he said mankind was doomed.
“You don’t understand!” Jeremy said sobbing, “that 0.23 liters of hot water, sugar and dried crushed coffee seeds; that 2.3 liters was special!!!!i could tell from the way it bubbled and kicked within me. (Maybe the coffee had made him pregnant?)
Either way attempts to console him were futile.
“I tried to tell the madam who was drinking from me to take a moment and think about what she was doing,” he continued; “but alas, she couldn’t understand me. It seems she doesn’t speak Mug.”
Nota Bene: We have UPE to blame for that. If it wasn’t for UPE all of us would be chatting away in the ancient language of Mug. Can you believe? We fucking know what Nota Bene is but we cannot trade pleasantries with our crockery. It’s enough to make you weep.
A psychiatrist was procured to evaluate this Mug’s mental stability. The authorities seemed rather disturbed (as they should) that an ordinary mug should mourn so deeply the death of a coffee that wasn’t a relative, close family friend or at least a friend with benefits.
A psychiatrist was procured and left in the room alone with Monsieur le Mug. Everything was hunky dory; psychiatrist was sitting in a straight backed chair holding a clip board and the Mug lying on a leather couch thinking about his childhood at the speed of fifty dollars an hour. It was postcard perfect if you ask me. Which you haven’t but that doesn’t matter because I have already told you. Mua Ha ha!!
That was totally uncalled for and very journalistically unprofessional of me. I need to be punished.
When the authorities came back twenty minutes later they found the psychiatrist on the couch and the Mug seated in the chair holding the clipboard and muttering threats.
I tell you that coffee was of cosmic importance but you don’t listen!! Psychoanalyze me again and I will put you in a cup and drink you! Bitxch!
The authorities (the very same) were finally prevailed upon to investigate his assertions as to the coffee’s Messiah like properties. The madam who had originally purchased the coffee was located and put to task to reproduce the coffee she had drunk as it might be some epic shizz.
Unfortunately we will never ever TRULY understand what that cup of coffee could have done for mankind. coz its gone. Within it might have been a message from the aliens, a cure for cancer or some other equally epicness. but we will never know…
And that is the end of my story.