Some day I’ll be your boss. Let me give you a minute to brood as the realization sinks in.
Now when I become your boss, you will be required to suck up to me and make me understand that you’re a filthy employee not worthy of my presence.
Get a pen and paper and write down the following tips on how to suck up to me when the time comes.
If I point at a pen on my table and say that pen looks funny, you will laugh your lungs out because that will be the funniest thing you’ve ever heard in your life.
Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais and Katt Williams put together will have nothing on me.
- When you see me, pretend to be busy
If I find you at the restaurant during your lunch break, frown immediately and pretend that something even as simple as eating is wasting your precious work time.
You can throw your knife and fork into the food disgustingly and push your plate away for effect. I will be happy.
- Agree with everything I say
It doesn’t matter if you think I’m wrong. Just nod your head. In my company, my thoughts are the supreme limit of intelligence. Therefore if you think anything above what I’m thinking, you’ll be considered contemptuous and fired immediately (if you’re a man) or sexually abused later that evening (if you’re a woman).
Love everything I love and hate everything I hate.
- Care about my life and everything in it
Ask me about my morning, and my wife and kids. Be happy after learning that they are all doing okay. Be sad and get to the brink of tears when you hear that my son has mild flu and is at home sleeping.
When you enter my office and see a picture of my wife on the table, tell me how dazzling she is. And don’t tell me my daughter looks beautiful. Generalize it to my kids look beautiful or I’ll get the wrong idea and overwhelm you with assignments that will make you wish you hadn’t entered my office that day.
- Make me feel good about promoting you
If you’re a man, take some of your workmates out for a drink and gossip only good things about me. I don’t care if they hate you for breaking the hate-the-boss code. I promoted you and you’re not even a woman. Consider that my version of Jesus’ second coming.
If you’re a woman, I didn’t promote you because you deserved it. Don’t flatter yourself. Wear something shorter the next day and sit next to me during all company meetings. Every Friday night, forget your pen in my office and come back for it after everyone else has left. That pen will be crucial to your future success in my company.