Oh Brother, Where Art Cow?

By • Nov 17th, 2011 • Category: Society

A leading daily has reported that 100 cows belonging to the head of state and foreign affairs minister were stolen. The Rapid Response Unit (RRU) picked up some people and is currently holding them for their suspected involvement in the theft. While the RRU RRUshed to the scene of the crime to capture suspects, we rushed to interview the surviving cows on their account of what really went down. We found them mooing in hushed tones, un-willing to speak to anyone with less than four stomachs.

Straka Beibey

Nope, they didn’t budge when we sent her either.

The cows did that thing girls do to that girl who shows up at a fancy event in a dress like hers; pretend they aren’t there.  This did not put us off; we needed to bring you the news at all costs. We held our microphones in place, refusing to budge; Agg-rey El-Che would break the monotony by wiping drool off his mouth. He later confessed that teats do that to him.

Finally one of the cows walked away from the pack in a huff; “If they won’t rreave us arrone, we mightas werro terro ’em the goddamn story” he said in a drawl, as he lumbered towards us.

ULK: Nice that you could join us errr….

Cow: …Jones…MOOre Jones. What can I do you for? (Though judging by the lack of teats, and Agg-rey’s reduced drooling, this was clearly a bull)

ULK: We were wondering if you could tell us what went down…

MOOre Jones: Well it was a classical case of love at lust fight…

ULK:  Err…Do you mean love at first sight?

MJ: Mooooo…(nodding vigorously) I mean what I said. Let me tell you…

(Ambles closer, lowers voice)

Well, it was that season when we drop everything to do the monkey dance. The jungle boogie. You know, leave chewing cud, let the enzymes in our stomachs settle and focus all our energy on (adopts Barry White tone) maaking luurrvvee. Kutesa’s cows had come over to participate in what was going to be an epic mooorrrggy…we’d flown in Prossy the Slutty cow for initial entertainment, then as soon as the lights go out-since it was our day of 24-hour load shedding-we’d start the chawin….

(Disapproving coughs from the other cows…)

(MJ looks back at his buddies. Decides to skips that detail…)

Prossy the Slutty Cow

Prossy the Slutty Cow

So we are starting to get busy when all of a sudden we hear these noises of approaching humans….

They were screaming that they wanted some presidential teat…

Cow

No dung?

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