I am no longer sleeping with Anna Kournikova.
In retrospect it seems wrong to say the relationship was rocky, because how can you say something was rocky when it was built on such a fragile and shaky premise? For anything to last it has to be built on a firm foundation, and firm is one thing we were not.
And foundation was one thing Anna only knew when she was going for her photoshoots.
This means that we both lied. When I first saw her on the cover of Maxim, I was drawn to her flawless complexion.
When I first met her in a facebook chat online, she told me, she was drawn to my huge bank account, my fleet of maseratis and bugattis, and my latest CD, which had just been certified platinum and contained one of her favourite songs at the time: “Got Your Back” featuring Keri Hilson.
A relationship cannot survive for long based on lies, so when we met and I found out that without make up she looks like a tree I knew that we were staring at the end of things.
And when she found out that I wasn’t really T.I., that sealed the deal. She told me to go back to Uganda and refund the money she had given me.
That was the last I ever saw her.
I am no longer sleeping with Katy Perry
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I thought, as I watched her storm out of the door; it wasn’t supposed to end like this. But then, what could I do? The damage had already been done. What had been said could not be unsaid.
All she left me with was the shattered pieces of my dreams, dreams of a happy future together: me, her and our kids. Me sitting at home watching Hostel DVDs on the plasma screen, the kids swimming in the pool outside and her out working hard to make enough money to support us.
Now all that was gone. All because of a few careless words.
“My favourite song of yours? Easy. That’s got to be Raise Your Glass,” I had slurred.
“That’s Pink!” she shrieked then, pausing only to throw some cutlery at me, stormed out to call some LAPD officers to have me removed from her home and deported.
I am no longer sleeping with Nikki Minaj
Cos no one survives that a second time.