Notes From An Idle Mind | Now with a Man On A Ledge

By • Nov 16th, 2011 • Category: Notes From An Idle Mind

I was watching the trailer for some movie with a chap on a ledge. It didn’t even have one of those complex names that try not to give away too much about the movie… you know the kind, like say, er… hang on, I’m sitting here trying to figure out which flick has a name that’s not a spoiler on it’s own and I’m drawing blanks. Crap, talk about messing up an intro… let’s try this again…

I was watching the trailer for some movie with a chap on a ledge. It didn’t even have one of those {hang on, this is not an exact replica of the first paragraph… this one even has curly brackets} complex names that try not to give away too much about the movie. Damn movie is called Man On A Ledge.

Kriss Kross Gonna make you...

That’s right some marketing chaps sat there, ordered expensive meals, bought massive chalkboards, drew graphs and figured the audience would be suckered into watching a movie with a name so obvious, even the chap at the box office would look at you like, “seriously?”

But this is not about the trailer…and how they successfully took the piss. This is about Uganda and how exactly we would respond if something like that happened here. No, not the obvious movie titles {Who REALLY Killed Captain Alex}, but rather,  how would a typical suicide attempt play out…

ON that show they call The Breakfast News

We have breaking news that there’s a guy standing on a ledge threatening to jump. This doesn’t really make sense because people are usually too preoccupied to give a shit about the news in the morning, what with morning wood and the ‘walk of shame’. Actually, now that we think about it, more often than not, with the exception of one or two very important government workers…and the president sometimes, only kids have time to watch the news at that time in the morning.

Which means, the press review and the raging debate over whether Pastor Kayanja will turn the other cheek and let the guys accusing him of sodomy go, is being taken in by junior. {did you see what I did back there?}

But I digress, we are informed that the person who we shall refer to as “Jumper” is prepared to issue his demands…

On the street

“demands?” What the heck for? Let him die… shya, will he be the first person? We will also die, what makes him think he is so special? Let him jump! Gwe, Jumper, I dare you! Jump if you’re a man”….

Well, at least I reckon that’s what someone down below would say.

We are born to be haters, so there’s little doubt that a chunk of the people looking up at a guy would be there to offer a shoulder to cry on. If you’re going to sit there and doubt me, ask yourself why this line suddenly made sense when I wrapped it up with Bad Black.

So anyway, we’ve got a chap on a ledge and he is not going anywhere. This is Uganda and we are not affected by the economy, so we’re going to watch him instead of chilling back at our offices in front of our PCs checking out facebook.

In the movies, you’ve got the film maker will try to convince you that in the developed world the cops actually do more than beat up black people. They studied counseling and are experts when it comes to convincing people that life does go on.

But here…

You will approach a cop and tell him there’s a dude trying to fall off a building, but there’s a crowd in the way.

Cop:  Is it a guy or a girl?

You:  Does it matter?

Cop:  Neda, anti omanyi… well, what is the person wearing?

You:  Clothes. Now, please, we have to help this person…

Cop:  First sign these forms… and bring me a photocopy… because I can’t stand seeing blue ink. That shit messes with my eyes.

You: Can I just sign the form in black ink, a person could die!!!

After haggling a little, you arrive at the scene of the prospective crime

Cop:  Wewe, how much do you have? Come down and give me transport…

Meanwhile, on the ledge

Man on a Ledge {not to be confused with the movie by the same name}

OMG, I’ve got fans… is this what they call Killer Swag? I should send shout outs to…

Back in the offices of Urban Legend

To give you a rough idea of just how different the prospect of a jumper is back here versus back there in outside countries;

Here we will hear about it and move on.

Back there, they’ll hear about it and do a song about the subject and win an award and make crazy Bad Black money.

Here, it will make the news in the morning or late at night.

Back there, it will be the news from when you get up till when you go back to sleep, till when you get up again.

Back there, some idiot will set up a facebook page about it.

Here, some idiot will type out a 877 word article on the subject and end just like that.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers