We are glad to have with us in the two of the most renowned expectant fathers in the world. Justin Beiber and Jay-Z, welcome to Urban Legend Kampala. Thank you for taking your shoes off at the door in accordance with our Ugandan customs.
Jay-Z: Thank you for having us, Baz. I am eager to speak about this issue to the people of Uganda.
Beiber: Thanks for having us, Baz. I am eager to meet young Ugandan women.
ULK: Well, let’s start with you, Justin. On behalf of all the non-adolescent people in the world, allow me to say Congratulations. It has been frustrating us for ages this business of you being a sexually ambiguous sex symbol. We are glad that you have finally set the record straight.
Beiber: Yes. Luda taught me. He has hoes in different area codes, you know?
ULK: Yes, I heard. Now, Jay-Z, Jigga, Jigga-man…
Jay-Z: Call me “Hov”.
ULK: Um… no. I can’t call you that. Just because you haven’t seen the headline on CNN, doesn’t mean God has retired from smiting blasphemous fools. I don’t want to be standing next to you when the Almighty hears you calling yourself that.
So, Jigga, let’s talk about you. Unlike Justin, you are not sexy…
Jay-Z: I beg to differ on that, Baz. I’m filthy stinking rich. To some women, that’s as good as being sexy.
ULK: Heh. I have heard of such women. I’ve never met any, though.
Jay-Z: That’s cos you are kind of broke, no offense.
ULK: None taken, none taken.
Jay-Z: So, even though I am not physically appealing per se, all those studs and McDreamys and SseDreamys were there watching the Crazy In Love video, ogling as Beyonce shook her fit legs around, and then bang! Out of the blue, there is my big, brown, fat-lipped potato head right there in the video. Choke, prettyboys! I win!
Baz: I will grant that you received a lot of nuggu that day you showed up in that video. But let me ask you, for real, is Bey pregnant? Didn’t we see her belly fold in like a paper transformer on youtube?
Jay-Z: Baz, Baz, I’m Jay-to-the-Z. Did you think I would have a regular child just like that? It’s an iBaby. Bey is even going to deliver it by Bluetooth. Young!
ULK: So, Jay says he is having a baby, and some people doubt it. Justin, you say you are NOT having a baby. You have denied paternity of this child who a fan says is yours. Do you sex groupies, Justin?
Beiber: Well, it depends on what you mean by sex. Hastag Bill Clinton.
ULK: You can’t hashtag in press interviews. What is wrong with you?
Beiber: I’m a trendsetter, man. You wait. You will see people doing it on the streets next. El Oh El smiley face.
ULK: Do you sex groupies, Beiber?
Beiber: Well, depends on what you mean by sex groupies.
ULK: Insert your genitals into their genitals.
Beiber: Well, if you put it that way, then, who doesn’t?
ULK: I hope you are going to stand up like a real man and accept your responsibilities when the DNA tests prove that you are the father of this child.
Beiber: I think you have seen my haircut, ULK.
ULK: What’s that got to do with it?
b: Do I look like a real man?
ULK: Kale now it’s you chucking for yourself. The other day I was telling your haters that you could well become the next Timberlake, but you clearly have a lot to learn from that other Justin. We have never heard of Timberlake’s children.
Beiber: That’s because every time a chick calls him to say she’s pregnant, he gets on the phone to Don Crippoli and you never hear of that girl or her family ever again. There is a whole block in abortion hell for the unborn seeds of Timberlake.
Jay-Z: Baz, it’s been real, but I have to leave. I have a hot wife and, as you have seen, I am virile.
ULK: I’ve always wondered: is it safe to have sex with a pregnant woman?
Jay-Z: If it’s an iBaby, no problem. They are detachable. Me I’m out. Say what’s up to Enygma for me.
ULK: Any last words, Justin?
Beiber: Yeah. Tell Ugandans that that joke of “Justin Beiber is having a baby baby baby oooh” is going to be old in four days flat. Beebs outta this bitch!
Jay-Z: Heh. That’s what she said.