BAZ: Welcome back from the break, this is ULK, killing the airwaves. Killing them with machetes and wooden pistols. With us in the studio today is non other than The Avuncular Terrorist Himself, Uncle Agony. Uncle, first holler at your congregation one time, let’s keep this spirit frothing.
Uncle Agony: Whaddi du Church. In Nomini Patri et Filli.
STREETSIDER: So Uncle, why does Aggrey el want to kill you? He is writing angry and confrontational things on Facebook, and walking around the office with a murderous gaze.
Uncle Agony: I do not know. Maybe he has been watching Sin City again.
IVAN: Better take some Taekwondo lessons. You know how that guy is. You might wind up without knee-caps.
(Sage-like nods all around)
Uncle Agony: Thanks for the advice.
SLEEK: So tell us, Uncle Agony, what is love?
Uncle Agony: Love is a powerful mind and common sense altering chemical. (For example look at this confusion)…
…that was invented by The Chemist several millennia back.
IVAN: Who is The Chemist?
Uncle Agony: Alas, no one knows. Or should I say, knew.
BAZ: Is he a character in a Matrix Movie?
Uncle Agony: He may have been a character in a Matrix Movie. It is a possibility.
STREETSIDER: We are told that you and a team of high profile ssengas and horoscope readers from Berkley Memorial Hospital recently concluded a study into the identity of the Chemist. Kale, If I may ask, why Berkeley?
Uncle Agony: Come to think of it why did we choose Berkeley?
STREETSIDER: And then a Memorial Hospital…
Uncle Agony: There might be an explanation for the Memorial Hospital but Berkeley? Does such a place even exist? Maybe we heard it in a movie,
BAZ: We digress. What was the purpose of this study?
Uncle Agony: To establish the habitat, sleeping patterns and brain patterns of this terrible terrible person called the Chemist and to better neutralize his activities.
SLEEK: First wait! is that a stone tablet you are reading from? Don’t tell me all along you lived on Mt. Sinai.
Uncle Agony: Em gave it to me when I was at Sanyu earlier; she said she liked my dimples. Are we going to have a problem?
SLEEK: I am sorry, Please proceed. The Chemist…
Uncle Agony: The Chemist, you’ll be happy to know, is a disgusting little midget called Lawrence who lives in a shady clearing somewhere in Namanve. He lives largely off of home grown mushrooms. His hobbies include knitting and doing the crossword. He occasionally pranks detoothers by placing ads in the City Beat Lonely Hearts Section describing himself as “Mzungu. Very Ripe. In need of lover. Wink.”
IVAN: You must have been very shocked.
Uncle Agony: I tell you the surprise alone finished all the kazungu in my mouth. Now picture what the shock, stagger, bombshellment, astonishment and flabbergast added onto that.. To make things worse, this is what the antisocial bastard told us when we asked him about love.
STREETSIDER: I think he is kind of cool to be honest.
Uncle Agony: He is an anarchist.
ERIQUE: You guys, it is time for a commercial break. Click Play.Commercial Break
…after clicking it
STREETSIDER: Annnnnd, we are back, but unfortunately dear listener, this is all the time we have at the moment. But If you want to catch Uncle Agony again and hear him share his bizarre but illuminating perspectives on Life, Love and the Universe; then listen in to Em on the Lounge on 88.2 Sanyu Fm this week.
ULK FM only broadcasts in my head.