We have been going through a bit of chaos here at ULK HQ what with moving to the new headquarters, and it has led to some problems. The hyperspace drive almost went off last night. Fortunately I was still able to get this post up, but I had to use the normal internet. With the hyperspace drive disconnected, we could not access the OTHER Internet.
You know. The OTHER internet. The one you only get on via invitation.
The OTHER internet.
Haven’t you ever wondered why you can’t find the real Barack Obama on facebook?
Or why you never seem to be able to walk into a chat and find Tupac online? There is a reason for that. Well, two reasons actually. The first is that Obama and Tupac don’t use the same internet as commoners. The second is, naturally, that Tupac is dead.
The main reason is that they are on a different internet from y’all.
So, there we were. Ivan was looking for the keys to the drawer where he keeps the fetishes he bought from Mukono. (They have to be kept under lock and key, the doctor said, because the bones may come to life and are liable to escape).
So he was flailing around the place flinging his long arms all over the place, slapping mosquitoes inadvertently and wailing in distress because he could not remember where he left the keys. It was very distracting, so I had to yell, “Dude, what the f****?”
At this point, Erique reminded me that I had misspelled the word and that it was supposed to be three asterixes not four.
I felt like a douche who doesn’t accept correction and sneered that the word is supposed to be “asterices”, but by then he had walked off to heat leftovers in the laser cooker.
We have a laser cooker in the office. We got it cheap on OTHER Ebay.
So I turned my attention back to Ivan. He’s like a freaking spider. And the way he was waving his arms around and wailing, it was like he was in a Judith Babirye video.
I shouted, “Dude, what is going on?” “I can’t find my keeeeeys! I don’t know where they are!” he said, dramatically.
“Why don’t you just google it?” By that I meant Supergoogle it. You see, the OTHER internet runs on only one search engine. Supergoogle. It’s like the regular google, but you can actually search for lost keys with it.
He was just about to answer by saying something sarcastic about… well, I don’t know what he was going to say because he never got around to saying, it, but I know it was going to be sarcastic. Dude has been sarcastic since September. Everything he says is sarcastic. Even when he says office prayers. “We pray for the energy to complete this meeting without collapsing from starvation, Father,” he prayed, the day I forgot that it was my turn to bring snacks.
Well, joke was on him. I didn’t forget to bring the snacks next time. I bought snacks, yeah. Really really really oily kabalagala. But when the website asked me to input my credit card number, I used Ivan’s. Heh heh. Heh. Now he owes OTHER.fastfoods.co.ug for a bucket of kabs and fourteen rolexes plus DHL charges.
Sleek braced in to yell, “Enough of this panicky squealing! I have fixed the connection we are back online. I just called the guy who owns the web and he recollected us. Listen.”
And there was a chime from the next desk. Then the sound of Angelina Jolie admitting that she’s really not that hot. It was from an OTHER youtube video of an interveiw she had with OTHER CNN.com.
You think I’m lying? You think I’m making all this up? Well, not all of it. One thing is true. There IS a more awesome side of the internet. We will show you on 4th November.
ULK V2.0 Coming soon.