TOP TEN: #stepstosurviveahorrormovie

By • Oct 28th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Top 10, WTH

Life is a movie.

Believe it.

You are living it right now. In fact look at the person next to you right now. That person isn’t really who you think they are. That person is an extra. Or maybe, you are the extra. THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Can you spell identity crisis?

Can you spell identity crisis?

Life usually alternates between romantic comedy, family drama, porno (depending), and on a few occasions during walk to work; action thriller.

But any time now; it might be tonight, it might be next week. But that time will come, your life WILL go into horror mode.

They say life screws everyone. It is inevitable. Life doesn’t play fair. It doesn’t wear a condom and it always comes inside. Maybe life is a Catholic, I don’t know, I didn’t make the rules. So leave me alone. All I am saying is; when the time comes you had best be ready.

And since I truly madly deeply care about you; allow me to present; ladies and gentlemen of the cast (a special mention to Lindsey K, Darlene V and Sam Whatthefuck Otea)

TOP TEN: what to keep in mind if you want to survive a horror movie.

“Keep an eye out for changes in mood”, as the father in law kindly advised the well meaning bridegroom when he married a cyclone. Danger it seems, needs a soundtrack. So, if you are there and a ka funny soundtrack starts playing, that stuff of tad um tad um tad um. I suggest you keep a lookout. Some stuff is about to go down and it’s going to be YOU going down. And I don’t mean that in a nice way.


I should also add that if the lights start flickering there is cause for worry. As we all know, UMEME is run by a bunch of serial killers.

“It is important to know who you are”, as the pervy senior woman said to the conflicted teenager with lesbian tendencies, Therefore, If you are black guy or a good looking blonde, you are dead meat. Sorry. If you are a black guy who likes telling jokes or a good looking blonde in a skimpy denim skirt, you probably won’t even finish this article.
You could also try being an albino. I am yet to see an albino die in a horror movie. Those guys have shelf life.

“Preparation is key”, as the stone-dry vagina curtly informed to the non-Cosmo reading teenager when he complained of blisters. So speaking of keys, are you sure you know how to use them? It really sucks to be at the door, freedom on the other side only to realize that you are now paying for refusing to attend that seminar on Keys, Keyholes and How They Can Save Your Life. Also, if you car doesn’t start it better have reinforced smash-proof windows.

4- Get high. Shout Wazzup. Works every-time. Nuff sed.

if you're happy and you know it say WaZZZZuP!!

“Check the back seat” as the slut informed her shaftmate when she was directing him to the box of condoms. Needless to say that particular slut survived. Serial killers have a soft spot for virgins, being virgins themselves in most cases. Therefore, if you aren’t a practitioner of NBM, I suggest you check the back seat every time.

“Put yourself above everyone else” as the gangbang supervisor said to the chick who was letting then give it to her from all angles. firdt of all, kill the nosy chick  who wants to investigate. Then make sure everyone else showers first so they die before you do. Serial killers like showers (must be a If the person ahead of you doesn’t fall, push them so they can occupy the killer. Everyone knows killers find it hard to kill you if you are still on your feet.

Avoid clowns, dolls; anything that reminds you of your childhood is bad luck. Otherwise you are going to wind up as a pair of shoes or a lampshade on someone’s desk. Avoid basements. Avoid stupid shit like going out to check if you REALLY run him over. Avoid videotapes. Watch youtube clips only.

If you wake up in a porcelain tub full of ice, don’t touch your side. That is how fools end up discovering that someone has just eaten their pancreas and stitched them up again. Be smart!

I almost forgot. In case of doubt, always listen to the audience. The audience knows best.

9- Don’t look in the mirror. DON’T! He is standing behind you. But if you have already looked, there is nothing to be done. Just. Close your eyes and walk out. He can’t do anything until you turn round to face him.

10- There will come a time when the killer (if you have survived this long) will feel the need to explain himself. Brag about how awesome and clever he is. This means that the director likes you and is rooting for you. So! Kill the bastard. shoot him, stab him. feed him to the elephants. Do whatever it is you have to do. This is your chance. And don’t forget to double tap. Otherwise you are going to end up in a sequel.


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