What follows is a transcript of the proceedings in a local courtroom. As everybody knows, I work as a stenographer for the Uganda Government Judiciary Branch as my second job. Before you get it on wikileaks, read it here.
Bailiff: Will the defendant please rise?
(Bad black shuffles to her feet. She’s wearing prison sapatu and is not used. Because they don’t have stiletto heels.)
Bailiff: State your name.
Defendant: Bad Black, your honour.
Bailiff: No, your real name. This is a court, not an interview with Red Pepper.
Defendant: Um, Latifah Nalukenge.
Judge: What? Lol!!
Defendant: Why is that so funny?
Judge: All along we thought when Sharon O was being a blonde and ditzy in Big Brother she was giving people called Nalukenge a bad name. Kumbe they already had a bad name! Lol!
Defendant: Objection! Judge is shelling.
Judge: Overruled, you dimwit. Nalukenge. Heh heh. The next Nalukenge I meet will have to be a rocket scientist who trained under Mother Teresa and also hold a world ninjitsu championship before I can think of that name in a positive light again. Hah hah!
Bailiff: Can I get a plea, your honour?
Judge: Yeah. Go ahead. Nalukenge, how do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Defendant: What am I charged with?
Judge: You know what? I am not sure. It’s in these papers somewhere. I didn’t read the charge, but it’s probably being local and annoying.
Prosecution: Heh heh.
Defendant: Objection! Being local and annoying isn’t a crime in the penal code.
Prosecution: She’s right judge.
Judge: Is there anything we can charge her with then?
Prosecution: Idle and disorderly, I think.
Judge: Yeah. I heard her on a TV show once. That accent is just disorderly. Okay. Bad Black Nalukenge, this court finds you guilty of the crime of being idle and disorderly. You are sentenced to eight years hard labour and fifteen strokes of the cane.
Defendant: What the hell… do they have kiboko in Ugandan jails?
Bukenya: I was as surprised as you when I found out.
Defendant: This is a travesty of justice! I demand my rights! My rights as a Ugandan are being curtailed! Can I get my phone call? I am going to phone the one man who is always there to fight for the rights of the Ugandan citizens no matter the cost.
Judge: You mean Kizza Besigye?
Defendant: Exactly. O79…
Judge: Don’t bother. I locked him up, too. He’s under house arrest. Judge Me is unstoppable! I will continue dispensing sentences until 4:11:11, when I will be busy at Boda Boda gettin down with my bad self. Have you ever seen a judge dancing 90s strokes to songs of 2011? This will be your chance.