Monday Massacres: Here’s the 411

By • Oct 17th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

It was a very hectic weekend here at the ULK headquarters, one that saw the back door kicked in and many of our top secret documents smudged with a gooey, oil-like substance, rendering the docs useless.  All of you who were running scared because of how much information we had on you can now breathe easier. Even the mandazi that Nansikombi brings in the morning was unusually oily. No one was physically hurt by the attack but the Streetsider now walks with a pimp stick, just in case. That said, I am here with the 411. The kashoogidemagwan. You may have heard rumors about 411.11. I now take you on a journey through history; what momentous events have taken place on this auspicious day?

4.11. 52 BC

Early man is hunting an antelope. He gains ground, hurls his spear and it misses but ruffles a lion that was stalking the same prey. Lion turns and chases early man. He runs, sees a dead-end, picks up a stone and hurls it at the lion. Stone misses lion, but hits a rock and the massive sparks cause a fire. Lion eats early man. His buddy who was watching all this uses the knowledge to take the props for ‘discovering fire’.

Early Man

It is 4.11 innit?

4.11.1534

Prince charming is finally set to take on the dragon. He has ridden for 3 years, 9 months, 2 days to reach the castle where the princess he’s supposed to marry has been held captive by a vicious fire-breathing dragon. Brave man Prince charming, in his chunky armor and on his tired white horse.  He draws his sword and slashes the last bushes to the castle out of the way, all the time poised to jump off and stab the dragon. Bated breath. Bated breath.  He un-mounts his horse, Armagiddion. A screaming toddler runs into his shin, pauses, and runs off. Baffled, he follows the toddler into an opening. There, before his very own eyes, is princess-he-was-supposed-to-marry, not pretty anymore, but pretty pregnant. And with 3 rug rats running around. Turns out the dragon had died of a cold 2 years back, and she’d married the evil overLord, taken in his seed and brought forth the little cretins running around.

4.11.1845

Two slaves accidentally kiss while working on the plantation. Their massa doesn’t see this go down. They enjoy the stolen kiss and pursue matters further. Megan Good’s great great great grandparents are conceived.

4.11.1858

John Speke finds a lake surrounded by black people and goes ahead to discover it.

4.11.1969

Neil Armstrong takes a few normal steps on the moon and insists they are big leaps for mankind

4.11.1983

Michael Jackson invents the moonwalk while backing into an alley to avoid screaming female fans.

4.11.1998

Bill Clinton insists he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

4.11.2010

Mila Kunis does the first take of that scene in Black Swan. Her and her partner in the scene went on to do 15 takes, some off camera.

4.11.11

ULK celebrates first anniversary. Legendary Party goes down at Boda Boda. House of DJs brings the house down. The Top 10 Legends of Kampala are there. You yourself you are there in person to witness for yourself. J.K Rowling watches proceedings on YouTube and releases international best seller, “Harry Potter and the Legendary Party that rocked”.

 

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