toilet

Notes From an Idle Mind; The Toilet Edition

By • Oct 12th, 2011 • Category: Notes From An Idle Mind

Oba how many hits will that title give us;

It has often been suggested that the loo is a great place to gather your thoughts from. I don’t know where the idea came from that when someone is on the crapper, things just come together. Maybe it was because of this guy…

oh s**t! oh s**t!!

Nonetheless, whoever came up with this idea may have been on to something. You see, I was wandering about the house the other day and came across the second loo. Just like that. It was sitting there, probably minding it’s business, not giving a shit or waiting to be discovered, and then wham!

Now, it’s not that toilets fascinate me. They are sufficiently comfy, sure, but this one caught my eye because of the sticker it had on it. It was choke-full of marketing speak, offering heaven and many colors and also promised that it was weather proof. Weather proof! How does that even work?

Does the sales guy pull you aside and, “Sir, I wasn’t going to say this, but that’s a good deal right there! First of all, this loo has had only one previous owner, plus you can use that thing even when it’s raining…whenever!”

I sort of got the impression that all toilets are like that, but this sticker put shi… put stuff in perspective. For a brief moment I thought, ‘dang, what were our grandparents loos like? What did they have to go through…”

back in 1953

“Sorry Joseph. You can’t use the loo right now…it’s raining”

“Yes Sylvia, I can see you’re doing the deadly pee dance, but you know how it is, no using the toilet when the sun’s out”

Back to the present day

So, looking at this loo that was sitting there trying to whore itself, I found myself wondering, what makes for an ideal toilet? Why was this one trying too hard… would anyone actually read an article about toilets?

Colors of the wind

This toilet says it comes in a variety of colours. Is that really a thing? Do you walk into the bathroom, unzip your fly/drop your skirt and then as you get set, think to yourself… “Wait a sec. What am I thinking… This is the wrong set of blue! I can’t do this! What will people say…” then promptly zip up/skirt up and walk away with your bladder screaming, “MURDER!”

Comfort and Joy

The loo sat there dryly telling me that unlike other loos, I will feel comfortable if I used it. How does that even work? If I happen to be one of those people prone to standing on toilet seats, will it offer better grip? Or if I have a skinny bottom, will it automatically pick that up and provide cushioning? Will it generate some warmth on a rainy day? Actually, scratch that, does it come with a lady’s voice complimenting me every time I drop my pants? What makes you so special, toilet? How do I know you won’t riddle me with butt-Do you have Bluetooth?

Easy to use

It’s possible that I’ve embellished a little here, but I kid you not, this loo was vibing me. Let’s, for the sake of argument, assume that it is in fact easy to use. Does that not describe just about every single loo after squatters {latrine or hole in the floor). Or will it automatically configure itself to suit my needs. “welcome sir, I trust you will be requiring the magazine and lube again…oh, hang on a minute, you’re not Malcolm. Crap, here’s a psp, let’s pretend this never happened, bye…whoa. Kapapala!”

Mega-Flush

My water bill just came in. Well, not now now as I was typing, that would be a bit overzealous on National Water’s part don’t you think? But anyway, the bill is ridiculous and also suggests that water costs more than electricity. I won’t make the ‘joke’ that it’s because water is the mother of elec and as such has the power. It’s not funny.

So anyway, my bill suggests that my toilet, without my knowledge, entered itself into a competition with the intention of winning a prize for consuming the most water. Looking at my bill, I’d be disappointed if my loo lost. It’s clearly given this thing its all.

So that’s where I am. Second-guessing myself and wondering whether these toilets I use are truly the best a man can get.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers

  • Terri

    Reminds me of the short story the toilet by Gcina Mhlope :) nice one