Are you a patriotic Ugandan? No, I don’t mean are you a registered voter, prompt taxpayer and active participant in issues of local government. I mean patriotic as in did you support Sharon O?
That’s all we need from you really. Taxes kitu gani?
We are going to need you and all the gusts of onion-beer-pork breath that can billow out of your fat flabby cheeks this weekend when we, as a nation, take on our foes in a death match at The Namboole Colliseum.
Because we can’t all get onto the pitch, we have selected a team of representatives, using a method that is so efficient, we ought to chuck elections and chose parliamentarians the same way. The Cranes are the best players in the country. Meanwhile the Ugandan parliament is just the best office-sleepers and raise-self-voters in the country.
The Kenyans have also brought theirs: a team known as The Harambee Stars. Harambee is the name of the god of Kenya. The Harambee Stars consists of Kwambox, Madd Traxx, Nazizi, Amani, Binyavanga Wainaina, Eric Wainaina, Wahome Mutahi and Ian Mbugua because these are the only Kenyans we consider competition. Everyone else, turn around and watch us kick your ass.
We intend to defeat the Kenyans both in actual football and in shouting obscene chants from the stadium pews. Those who don’t do obscene chants, we understand. You will find a section reserved for you to shout your non-obscene PC chants. It’s okay. We are one Uganda.
Some of you are not going to be paying any attention at all to this game. You may be watching Nava on Login or you will be fixing your braids or will be at Owino buying books or you will be burgling the homes left empty by those who have gone to the stadium. We understand. Uganda has a huge population and not all of you can fit in Namboole. All we ask is that even in the midst of your diverse activities you remember to say the magic words “We go we go” at least four times during the hours of the match.
And if you are David Obua, keep your shirt where it’s supposed to be.