Ask former Vice President Gilbert Bukenya the question, “Whatchoo gonna do when you get outta jail?” The answer should be obvious. Like every rapper before him, Gil B should head straight out of the pen and into the studio to record a critically acclaimed album. Just like T.I., Lil Wayne, and Tupac did.
And Ja Rule.
Ja Rule is in jail by the way. And imagine, for tax evasion. Hah hah hah! But don’t laugh—when he gets out, his album will be Grammy cream.
So, speaking of Gil, I tried to get an interview with the artist formerly known as The Vice of Rice, but found, to my great dismay, that Ugandan prisons don’t have those glass walls with the telephones on the sides like in movies. There was no way to get through to the inmates.
Not unless I was willing to expose myself to contamination via jiggers, ticks, lice and all the other disgusting things that live in the skins and clothing of criminals in Luzira, including, doubtless by now, Bukenya himself.
So I told the boda man, “Livansi!” and returned to kampala, leaving the bewildered, bedraggled figure of the ex-VP waving in the distance. Bambi, he looked so small in his green uniform. He had already began losing weight.
But I noticed, even at that distance we could see it, he had a bar of soap superglued to his hand.
What I did when I got back to ULK headquarters was kick the dog cos I hate the dog. Stupid dog. It eats people’s sumbis when they leave them unattended.
I was planning to steal Erique’s sumbi last week, only to get there and find the dog had got them first. Msw.
After that first order of business was completed (and maybe repeated, cos really I freaking hate that animal so much) I walked into the boardroom where the guys were sitting busy at their own individual tasks. Ivan was counting dollars. I don’t know where he got all that money; all I know is that lately Bad Black has been walking around looking like she is sexually satisfied. Sleek was cleaning Vakwagen. You should know, by the way, that Vakswagen is not a Beetle. It is what he calls his Uzi.
Streets was standing upside down on the ceiling because that guy is just stubborn. He doesn’t want to stand where they tell him to stand.
Erique is frying sumbusa. As usual.
They all stopped what they were doing and looked at me. They even removed their sunglasses. “So, you got the interview?” they asked. One word each.
I didn’t want to disappoint them, so I said, “No, I didn’t.”
Oh. I said I didn’t want to disappoint? I meant I didn’t want to get prision-jiggers.
But because we as Urban Legend are dedicated to you, the reader, I decided to give you the part of the interview that I did manage to put together.
Here it is.
Q: Professor. Gyebale.
A: The correspondent is in prison, so we cannot reproduce his answer here.
Q: They went and arrested you? You man, what did you do? The leading crime in Uganda is defilement.
Bill Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Q: Did you watch that episode of The Boondocks when they got locked up in jail? Man. Riley is stupid!
A: The correspondent probably doesn’t watch Boondocks. He doesn’t look like the type.
Q: Man, you should start watching Boondocks. When copyright law comes into force and the arrest pirates who supply us with downloads of TV shows, and they come to join you in prison, tell them to give you and you watch.
A: Who can say no to that?
Q: Hey, between the two of us, where did you hide the loot?
A: Yeah right. Like he’s going to tell me.
Anyway, end of interview. In conclusion, there is a Free Gilbert Bukenya group on facebook already. I’ve joined me.